• Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute now provides Marriage education services by phone through Skype as well as direct services at our home office.
• Check out our latest blog at:  www.divorcereform.info/index.php/Non-Legislative-Efforts-to-Reduce-Divorce/Promising-Solutions-to-the-Marriage-Crisis.html   — Make a comment
• Stay tuned for information about soon-to-be published book:  Heart and Soul Connection:  A Devotional Guide to Marriage, Service and Love.  Co-directors, Krsnanandini and Tariq helped to write this book with members of the North American Family Vision Team.A video is being prepared to give details and invite you to support this project which will be featured on kickstarter.com.  The kickstarter.com website promotes interesting projects and raises funds for them.  We will keep you posted.
• Relationship Tip:  Try a different approach when you and your loved ones have a disagreement.  Be quiet.  Then, suggest “let’s talk about this tomorrow” and then really set a time when you will continue the conversation.  It’s interesting what time and calming down will do.
• Finally, if you have a relationship question, email us at info@dzfi.org.  We’ll respond.  We pray this year is the best yet for you and your family.

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Co-Directors Krsnanandini and Tariq have presented several workshops over the summer in Guyana, South America, Toronto Canada, Columbus, Ohio, New York and West Virginia.  Our mission is to empower individuals, couples and families with healthy relationship skills.  Everywhere we go we see the need for this empowerment; everywhere we go people ask for help with their marriages and their relationships.  “If I knew then what I know now, I would have found a way to work it out with my spouse,”  one lady told us recently, reminiscent of country musician Kenny Rogers’ famous ballad.  “I didn’t realize the fall-out from divorce with my children, finances, social life, everything.”

We’ve heard comments similar to this often.  Divorce is almost never the best solution;  Over time, feelings erode due to little things:  “he didn’t keep up his appearance”, “I don’t like how she dragged her house shoes across the floor when she walked,”  “she chewed gum and popped it — it was like torture.”   The French philosopher Blaise Pascal said:  “Little things console us because little things afflict us”  It’s the little things that build up over time, causing frustration and annoyance.  Healthy communication skills can go a long way to deal with these little things as well as strength of character and compassion.  Just as you don’t give up on a child because he has become difficult or causes problems, you shouldn’t give up on your marriage.  Get help– there’s more and more available now.

So that’s one thing.   The other thing is the phenomenon of cohabitation.  Clearly, this trend (to cohabit rather than marry) is not at all beneficial, for society for children or men or women.  People who fail to marry when there are children they have or want to have children do not get the benefits of a committed healthy marriage and there are hundreds and hundreds of statistics to prove it.  The question is what happened to make us accept cohabitation as an alternative to a committed marriage?  Where did we lose sight of the best arena to raise children?  And, are people happier and more satisfied doing it this way?  These are some questions we as a society need to answer.

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If you and your spouse:

1. Are in a healthy marriage
2. Have been married at least 8 years (some exceptions)
3. Are committed to being a role model couple for others
4. Are committed to the principles of cleanliness, truthfulness, self-discipline, and compassion
5. Submit an essay: Why we want to become Certified Mentor Couple/Marriage Educators

You can get skills to work with premarital and married couples with a proven system that teaches you to coach and empower other couples with healthy relationship skills.  This is an interactive curriculum with role-plays, games, poems group activities and more. Our training will help you prepare couples for healthy marriages, save marriages and prevent divorce!

From Couple to Couple is a comprehensive, interactive, systematic Train the Educator course for teaching couples in successful marriages to mentor other couples. Designed and implemented by co-directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, this course has been conducted in West Virginia, Florida, Cleveland, South Africa and Ireland. Mentor Marriage Educator couples receive training in how to assess couples for strengths and challenges, how to conduct themselves professionally and confidentially, and how to coach couples in relationship skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial management, values clarification, setting goals, writing mission statements for their relationships and the importance of principled-centered lives. Marriage Educator Couples acquire a proven, practical system for working with other couples before and after marriage. This is a nuts and bolts course, and mentor marriage educator couples are given all the tools, training and support they will need to work with other couples.

Our team of committed, Certified Family Life Educators (CFLEs) works with healthy married couples in this fun, interactive, lively and practical curriculum for 3 Saturdays in a paradigm-shifting course that elevates the way couples view marriage. Couples that have become Certified Marriage Educators in our course tell us that their own marriages were strengthened and enriched as a result.

Our modest fee will allow you to become a local, accessible, well-trained, Certified Marriage Educator couple in your community, in your church and in your family.

Only $300 (reduced from $480) per couple for 24 hour, 3 day, in-depth marriage education training that includes the following:

• Couple handbooks and all training materials
• Step by Step Session Guide to work with a couple
• Discounts on DZFI couple retreats, courses and workshops
• Continued support through monthly teleconference calls
• Listings on our DZFI website (www.dzfi.org)

A $50 deposit will reserve your place in this training. Register and pay in full before May 20, 2011 and save 10%, a discount of $30!

Pay by credit card via PayPal by selecting one of the following links:

1. Pay $50 deposit now to reserve your spot
2. Save 10% by registering and paying $220 balance by May 20, 2011
3. After May 20th, 2011, pay balance of $250

Please indicate with your payment your address, phone number, the full name of the couple, and how many years married.

Pay by check, by mailing it to:

Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute
3320 Beechwood Avenue
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118

1. Pay $50 deposit now to reserve your spot
2. Save 10% by registering and paying $220 balance postmarked by May 20, 2011
3. After May 20th, 2011, pay balance of $250

Please indicate with your payment your address, phone number, the full name of the couple, and how many years married.

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TV reporter Obie Shelton was the Master of Ceremony and played two awe-inspiring musical selections on the violin. Carlos Jones (of Carlos and the Plus Band) sang a memorable song and we had a great day. We received a proclamation from Congresswoman Marcia Fudge and Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute received a proclamation from  Cleveland Heights City Council.

For more details see www.blackmarriagedaycleveland.com

View select photos and videos below.

Photos

Select photo to view larger.

Videos

1. 43 Forum: Black Marriage Day

Part 1

Part 2

2. Football Analyst and Former NFL Player/Coach Tony Dungy speaks on importance of Black Marriage Day.

3. WKYC News Report on Black Marriage Day

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With the theme “Reawakening Marriage”, this event is free and open to the public, made possible through the community collaborative efforts of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, Mt. Sinai Ministries, Wedded Bliss Foundation Inc., and the Alliance of Black Families.

Couples will have an opportunity to Renew their Wedding Vows here, joining hundreds of other couples renewing their vows throughout the United States. Prior to vow renewals, couples and singles can attend a life changing marriage and healthy relationship workshop. One exemplary couple will be inducted to the Cleveland Marriage Hall of Fame, selected by an interfaith committee of ministers.

Couples must register to renew their marriage vows. The registration fee is $25 per couple, which includes the dinner after the ceremony.

You may register online at www.blackmarriagedaycleveland.com, or call Sheronda Hunter, community liaison for the Family Institute, at 440-940-6531. Mrs. Hunter and her husband, Greg, serve as Co-Leaders of Tween Ministries at New Community Bible Fellowship.  Sheronda has also Co-lead Women and Teens as Co-President of Heights High Parent Connection Council. “This Black Marriage Day is exciting.  Participating couples will go home with a whole bag of goodies for their marriage.  Yet, this is an occasion for the entire family.” explained Sheronda.

A powerful Keynote address will be presented by Dr. Courtney & Mr. James Parks, husband-wife team from Pennsylvania, Their presentation was so empowering at our last Black Marriage Day, couples requested they come back again.  The event will conclude with a reception and a delicious feast.

This is only the second time this event has taken place in Cleveland.  The collaboration will join activists in hundreds of cities around the country to highlight the benefits of married life and offer celebrations to strengthen and promote marriage in greater Cleveland’s Black community.

“Our first celebration in Cleveland attracted over 250 guests and 40 couples who renewed their vows.” From such enthusiastic response and the tremendous need to reaffirm the importance of marriage, we anticipate even greater participation this year,” stated Ms. Hunter.  “We invite couples to register to renew their vows on our website at www.blackmarriagedaycleveland.com,  and encourage churches, individuals, and community groups to nominate an exemplary couple for induction into the Black Marriage Day Hall of Fame,” Ms. Hunter said. 

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By Krsnanandini Devi Dasi and Tariq Saleem Ziyad

Co-Directors, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute

We’ve been providing marriage and relationship education for over fifteen years. Through our Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute and our work as part of an international Family Vision Team, we help couples handle a variety of situations from financial to emotional to sexual, to spiritual. We’ve witnessed many, many relationship challenges for couples.  One of the least talked about but quickly increasing challenges for married couples in our society is pornography.  More couples are asking for help and we respect those who are able to admit that they’re struggling with this problem.

“What surprises me is that Americans are still surprised to see sex addiction ruining lives,” says Michael Leahy, author of “Porn Nation,” a book about sex addiction.

“We just don’t realize that we live in an increasingly pornographi culture, a sex-saturated society where some people get really fixated on it,” said Mr. Leahy. “You can be married to a Christie Brinkley – or a Halle Berry – and it really doesn’t matter because it’s never about your spouse. It’s about your pathological relationship with pornography or other [sexually explicit] material. Everything else becomes irrelevant.”

What is pornography?

Pornography is the depiction of erotic or sexual behavior in movies, pictures, books, photography or writing, that is intended to cause sexual excitement.

Addiction to pornography or porn is one of the most challenging addictions to overcome. From Spain to California, Australia to Canada, Nigeria to Calcutta, millions of people all over the globe struggle with this powerful vice. Once they admit they have a problem, they have made the first step to overcoming it. ‘”It’s like being addicted to cocaine”, one client cried.  “I want to stop but I can’t.”  And he rightly claimed this dilemma because people addicted to pornography feel the same release of neurochemicals in their brain, causing them to feel  temporary pleasure, as cocaine addicts do.  Unfailingly though, after experiencing this kind of pleasure, the participant feels extreme guilt or shame.  Especially for those on the spiritual path, the guilt can be overwhelming.

Internet pornography and cybersex (the sneaky) addiction

As Internet usage has as increased, so too, has the availability of online pornography. Addiction to pornography online, called cybersex, is a type of sexual addiction.  This kind of sexual addiction is tricky because viewing sex on the Internet is accessible anytime the viewer wants to make it happen and because the Internet is anonymous.  No one has to know what the individual is viewing or doing. Someone could spend hours online, in the privacy of their own home, car or office, while pursuing sexual fantasies that are impossible in real life.

Your spouse cannot compete with fantasy or illusion

The hurt caused by this addiction often devastates the entire family.  Because real people cannot compete with fantasy, cybersex addiction can substitute for and destroy genuine intimate relationships. Spouses often feel rejected, unattractive and betrayed. Additionally, because this addiction is compulsive behavior, it requires hours online to feed it and is a real impediment to healthy relationships just from the sheer amount of time wasted on it.  To heal, you must really believe, accept, and know that pornography specifically, and illicit sex in general, is not healthy for you, your family or the community.

How do you know that your behavior is addictive?  Here is a checklist for sexual addiction:

• Your sexual behavior causes you to act against your underlying values and spiritual beliefs,
• Your sexual behaviors create negative legal, relationship, career, emotional or physical consequences, yet you persist in engaging in those sexual behaviors anyway
• Your sexual activities hurt the ones you love but you still do them
• Your sexual activities take up more time, energy, thought and focus than they should or than you would like
• You frequently tell yourself:   “after this, I’m not going to ever do this again.  This is the last time that I am going to watch it or read it” But you still return to the same or similar sexual situations, as if by compulsion, in spite of previous agreements (to yourself or your spouse).

Spiritual Growth and Progress   (Here is some insight from an ancient scripture, The Bhagavad-Gita)

Arjuna said;  “O descendant of Vrsni, by what is one impelled to sinful acts, even unwillingly, as if engaged by force?”

The Supreme Lord said:  “it Is lust only, Arjuna, which is born of contact with the material mode of passion and later transformed into wrath, and which Is the all-devouring sinful enemy of this world.’  (Bhagavad-Gita Ch.3, verses 36, 37)

It is clear that pornography, masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, etc. fall in the category of illicit sex, and definitely check our progress on the spiritual path, or the path to healthiness, in addition to causing pain to oneself and one’s family.  When a person marries and/or makes the choice to live a life of principle, they generally make firm agreements about their behavior, including avoiding any kind of illicit sex.  “That’s’ why we came to you,” a young couple confided, “We need help to save our marriage and honor those vows.”

Some Real Hope

Pornography, like many other vices, is an abominable activity.   It is like a tornado that undermines your spiritual growth and progress and ruins healthy family life; it can destroy your relationships and it deepens the deep well of illusory life.  It leaves in its wake guilt, shame, fear, heartache, disgust, and feelings of despair and hopelessness.    It is never satisfied. As one young client told us, “No matter how much I give in to the urge, I always feel the need to do it again.  This thing is a relentless master.”  These unhealthy drives are a result of past karmic influences, weakness and current environmental conditioning.  But for those who are serious about reclaiming their lives, there I hope.  It Is a sickness from which you can recover.

If we are sincere and serious about living a life of principle, then we generally get divine help to rise above any abominable activity through heartfelt repentance and engaging in growth-enhancing activities, with help from people who care about us.  Sincerity is shown by truly being sorry in our heart and by asking forgiveness from God, yourself, and your spouse. Taking active steps to distance yourself from unhealthy activity and unhealthy thoughts demonstrate your seriousness.

Tips for breaking addiction to pornography

When you acknowledge that you have a problem with Internet porn, or pornography in general and that you no longer want to be a servant of this addiction, you have taken the first and most important step towards claiming a more balanced life.  It’s easy to deny addiction, but your commitment to become healthier and honor your spiritual or marital vows will help you to make progress.

Find ways to spend fun time with your spouse and family

Now research from the University of Denver supports the idea that

Finding moments to be together free of financial, family or other stresses  “just to have fun together”, is not an indulgence.

“The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.

“The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.”  For men, the connection is even more important, the researchers say.  They found that men are more likely than women to call their spouse their best friend.

The following are more tools, some from the Sexual Recovery Institute (www.sexualrecovery.com), to help you begin to get the addiction under control. While you can put many of these in place yourself, make sure you get some outside support as well. It’s all too easy to slip back into old patterns of usage, especially if you use the Internet heavily for work.

• Identify any underlying reasons that need treatment. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, for example, pornography addiction might be a way to self-soothe rocky moods. Have you had problems with alcohol or drugs in the past? Does anything about your Internet use remind you of how you used to drink or use drugs to numb out? Take a hard look at whether you need to address treatment in these areas, whether it is therapy for depression or going back to 12-step meetings.
• Increase your coping skills. Perhaps blowing off steam on the Internet is your way of coping with stress or angry feelings. Or you have trouble relating to others, feeling excessively shy or feeling like you can never read people right in real life. Building skills in these areas will help you weather the stresses and strains of daily life without resorting to compulsive Internet use. Related Help guide sites can be found below.
• Don’t accept self-destruction by sabotaging your own success and well being.  Be careful that you don’t allow your feelings of inadequacy, and your unconscious desire to prove to others that you’re not good enough for them to trust you, take charge of your life. When thoughts come to you to participate in pornographic activities, have a plan for what alternative things you will do.
• Create goals for yourself. Acknowledge where you are and Identify where you want to be.  If possible, do this with your spouse or with a skilled marriage/family educator.
• Strengthen your support network. The more relationships you have in real life, the less you will need the Internet for social interaction. Set aside dedicated time each week for spouse or other family. If you are shy, try finding common interest groups such as an exercise class or book reading club. This allows you to interact with others in a non-threatening way and allows relationships to naturally develop.
• Whatever you do, don’t give up on endeavoring to be free of this prison of pornography.

Masturbation Addiction

Sometimes people struggle with a masturbation addiction in addition to porn addiction. Masturbating and reaching climax only strengthens your addiction to porn. Even if you only struggle with masturbation addiction, there is still a chemical dependency on the brain’s neurochemical interactions. Your brain does not recognize the difference between healthy sex with your spouse and releasing the chemicals (through masturbation) by yourself. So you become addicted to the easiest way to release the chemicals – alone — and to doing the act far too often.

Good News

“Pornography addiction is total insanity. But that’s what addiction is – total insanity,” says psychologist Douglas Weiss, who leads the Heart to Heart Counseling Center for sex addicts in Colorado Springs, Colo. Pornography addiction “isn’t something that you have to stay stuck with,” he says. “Your marriage doesn’t have to be destroyed; your kids don’t have to have big holes in their souls. And you can live a congruent life.”

So there’s good news in this very trying situation. The good news is that with determination and commitment to practice your spiritual lifestyle, with help from friends and family and/or Marriage & Family Educators, you can find healthy, wholesome alternatives to pornography and reestablish your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God.  We know.  We’ve helped quite few couples to recover from this devastating problem.

References:

http://www.sexualrecovery.com

http://newlifehabits.com/

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Recently the Co-directors of Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute traveled to Guyana, South America, Toronto, Canada and Pennsylvania to conduct workshops or seminars on Parenting and/or provide marriage and family education to couples and individuals.  At each of these places, we were beseeched with requests for information and help with parenting skills.

These inquiries allowed us to share topics from the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute’s curriculum, Parenting for the 21st Century which teaches any person raising children, how to become a Premium Parent. Parenting for the 21st Century is a TOOB (or Teach Out of the Box) curriculum that provides, detailed, practical guidance for parents in today’s world.

One workshop was titled “How Do We Transmit Higher Values to Our Children?” And again we were powerfully reminded that most people who care for children want to raise them in healthy ways.  That is why the main premise of Parenting for the 21^st Century is: Parents (and other childcare providers) can raise caring, conscientious, industrious children and they can become Premium Parents™, a term coined by the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute for parents who are committed and empowered with healthy parenting skills.  The dictionary defines premium as an adjective that means “of very high quality or higher than normal.”  Below, we list the eight principles of Premium Parenting™.

Premium Parents™ are parents or chlidcare providers who:

1. Consciously, intentionally conceive and/or raise children who will be caring, conscientious servant leaders;
2. Exemplify and model the behavior they want from their children
3. Are truthful, compassionate, clean and self-disciplined
4. Realize a serious responsibility for all the children who come into their environment
5. Show genuine affection to their children and others
6. Are very aware of their connection to Life and other living beings and therefore feel the urge to serve and respect that life
7. See their children as belonging to God or something greater than themselves and therefore recognize that they are “stewards”
8. Raise their children in a wholistic manner, giving care and attention to nurturing their bodies, their minds and their souls.

Premium Parents™ generate resiliency in children, giving them the ability to weather the ups and downs of life in healthy, growth-enhancing ways.

Order the complete curriculum and find more details about this comprehensive course.

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A few days ago, I officiated at a wedding where the couple had different religious practices.  In my marriage talk, I spoke about the pitfalls and promises inherent in any marriage and I addressed some of the things people can do to shore up or save their marriage.  I talked about the purpose of marriage and what it means to children, adults and society in general.  After the ceremony, many people approached me to thank me.  “Your talk covered everything,” one guest said, “I’d like to get a copy of the dvd.”  A couple of people quietly confided that their own marriages were in trouble, deep trouble and requested the assistance of our agency, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute.

Is wedded bliss an oxymoron?   Some people say it is.  They say that marriage and bliss generally don’t go together.  For those who need a refresher:  an oxymoron is an apparent contradiction, a pairing of two things that don’t mix or match.    At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we say that wedded bliss is not an oxymoron.  When people get married, can they expect happiness or joy?  We say emphatically yes!

But there are some conditions:

1.  The couple should get premarital relationship education or counseling, at least 10-12 hours of it.  These relationship education sessions should be comprehensive, covering, the baggage we bring from our families of origin, financial matters, parenting, goal-setting, communication, conflict-resolution, values clarification, realistic expectations and more.

OR, if you are already married, you should spend the time and resources to get marriage enrichment.  You can take marriage education classes or workshops, attend couple retreats, read or view relationship/marriage books, articles and DVDs.

2.  The two people should understand that marriage is a life-long commitment.

3.  The two people should get the blessings of elders in their families and communities.

4.  The couple should be willing to work hard on their marriage, utilizing the relationship skills/tools they’ve learned.

5.  And finally, the couple should build their marriage on at least these four fundamental spiritual principles:  Truthfulness, Compassion, Cleanliness, and Self-discipline.

All – IN – ONE MARRIAGE PREP:  75 Experts Share Tips   &                                     Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now

Co-Directors Krsnanandini and Tariq, have three articles in the book, All in ONE Marriage Prep:  75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom To Help You Get Ready Now.

This book covers marriage preparation from A-Z and from many different angles.   The 75 experts who collaborated to write will educate, inspire, empower and amuse you.  Says Melodie Tucker, Mars-Venus Success Coach, “This book is destined to become –THE- Marriage Preparation Manual.” You can pre-order your copy from this link:  http://www.allinonemarriageprep.com.

OR you can order it from our website after July 15, 2010.

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While in Columbus, the two Co-directors, Tariq and Krsnanandini had two sessions with couples where we provided marriage education.  One couple is receiving premarital classes and the other couple has been married for about seven years.  Our work with these two couples underscores the urgent need for marriage education.  How tired are you of seeing or hearing about marriage break-ups?  How disappointed and hurt are the thousands of children who see their parents fight and divorce?  What about the millions of children who are growing up in single parent homes without the benefit of a very important and necessary parent  (the absent one)?

Somewhere, somebody has to feel a responsibility to do something. And, thank God, a new consciousness is gradually emerging in our world.  That we’d better take another look at the benefits of marriage.  That some of the spiritual principles we as a community have been negligent about, are probably much more important than we have acknowledged.  The Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute is an agency that has been in existence for well over a decade. Often, we felt that we were fighting an uphill battle, yet we are committed.  Sometimes, we receive cards, letters and gifts of gratitude:  “What can we possibly give you to repay you for how you have saved our marriage?”, one couple said.   “I wish I’d had your services in my first marriage,” a lady client told us recently.

It’s been said before and you will no doubt  hear it again:  “children are best raised in a two parent household with a healthy mother and father cooperating together.”  And, there are principles on which a healthy family must be based.   For example, truthfulness, cleanliness, compassion and self-discipline.  And, it takes a community to support a marriage.  And having a deep and abiding respect for all living things promotes an atmosphere of peace and security.

“What,” you may ask, “can I do?  I’m not married or I’m married but I don’t really have a marriage to sing about myself.”  First, become educated about marriage; take a workshop or a seminar about healthy relationship skills.  Read some of the current literature about marriage such as The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher.  Give a  couple you know who is married or about to be married a gift certificate to take marriage enrichment or premarital education sessions.  Raise your boys to be good husbands and your daughters to be good wives.  This doesn’t mean they won’t do anything else like doctors, lawyers, firefighters, nurses, police officers, car mechanics or engineers.  But it does acknowledge the reality that most people will get married and most people want to get married.  What you do as a parent can ensure that when your children do marry, that they will have realistic expectations and be healthy contributors to their union as well as be able to honor their marriage commitment.

Teach boys how to clean the kitchen, how to cook, to put away their clothes and respect women.  Teach girls how to clean, cook, put away their clothes and respect themselves and others.  Teach your children to share, to have quiet time sometimes and to contribute some of their money to the household (either from gifts, allowances, or work).  Spend time teaching your children about financial matters—how to save, how to tithe, how to budget, how to write checks, what are interest rates, etc.  Show them how to talk to  and how to talk about the opposite sex by how you treat and talk about the opposite sex.  Eat dinner with your family at least once a day so that they will grow to value the time spent at the “kitchen table university”.  Mentor a child.

And pray.  Pray that somehow or other, we will have healthy family and community life.  And that we will realize what is most important in our lives before it’s too late.

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