Kindly excuse the lateness of this month’s newsletter.  Krsnanandini, Co-Director and newsletter editor was on a pilgrimage for a few weeks, to many of the holy sites in Vrndavana, India (3 hours by taxi from Delhi airport).  Later, she will endeavor to share some of the amazing experiences from her trip where she was one of a group of approximately 4,000 pilgrims from all over the world.)

The Law of Relationship Order© by Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute

In Math, there is a law or principle that states: In a relationship of numbers, when more than one number is to be connected in someway through any of the following operations-addition, subtraction, multiplication or division, there is a definite order in which these numbers must connect in order to get the correct answer or result.

In this mathematical law, called the “Order of Operations” we find the sequence in which operations must be performed when more than one operation is involved.  This Math “order of operations” states that one should:
•    First, multiply or divide, working from left to right.
•    Then, add or subtract, again working from left to right.
•    When there is parenthesis, do the operations within the parenthesis first.

To see how this works try computing the following:
18 – 3 ÷ 3 + (63 ÷ 3) – 6 = 20
(Wrong answer, not following the order of operations)
18 – 3 ÷ 3 + (63 ÷ 3) – 6 = 32
(Correct answer, following the order of operations)

Similarly, a fundamental principle of Human Relationships can be stated like this:
The order in which healthy relationships are developed is that two people
•    First, get to know each other
•    Then, develop trust between one another
•    Next, make sure you can rely or depend on each other
•    Next, make a commitment to one another
•    Last, have intimate touch.

In other words, in people connections, as in math connections, there is a sequence, an order, that people need to follow in order to have healthy, successful, correct results.  The process is as follows:

1.    Know—you meet someone, observe and become familiar with his or her ways, habits, and characteristics.  (Are they courteous, polite, mean or irritable most of the time?  What is their relationship with God? How often do they become angry?  How do they treat their mother or father and other elders?  What are their hobbies?  Do they live a regulated or haphazard life?  How do they handle money?  Does he or she owe major debts?  Are their any “exs” to worry about?  How do they treat strangers?  Can they laugh at themselves?  Do they have a sense of humor?) Also, carefully consider how you met the other person.  Was it through a trusted friend or relative, at a library, school or other public place, etc?

2.    Trust—building a “healthy relationship” means that this person’s habits, activities etc. are based on principles and behavioral patterns you can count on.  Do you have confidence in the integrity of this person?  Does he or she accept responsibility for taking good care of you — for treating you with dignity, love and respect?  Also, at this stage, find out what is the honest opinion of some of your family members and friends about this person.

3.    Rely—At this stage, you should know that this person is dependable, that you can rely on him/her to be honest, keep his or her word and have certain ethical or moral principles of behavior.   In other words, you can trust this person to act in socially healthy or mature ways most of the time.  For example, Can you trust him/her to tell the truth, keep his/her word, be clean, have compassion for others, and consider you first sometimes?

4.    Commit – After you have come to know someone and can assure yourself that this person is worthy of your trust and you can rely on him/her, then you can mentally commit yourself to being open to a deeper relationship. Generally commitment refers to engagement and/or marriage.

5.    Intimate Touch – after you know someone well, can trust and rely on him or her and can make a commitment to this special someone and he or she can make a commitment to you, then and only then should there be intimate touch.

Put in the words of the ditty that we learned as children:
“First, comes love “(Getting to Know, Trusting and Relying on one another)
“Then comes Marriage” (Commitment),
“Then comes the baby in the baby carriage” (the result of Intimate Touch)

Unfortunately, in our contemporary society, many, many people neglect this process and put the “cart before the horse”. Nowadays, men and women intimately touch each other long before they know each other well or feel they can trust or rely on one another; or, people hastily commit to a person before they really know him or her, before they have concluded that they can rely on him/her, or before they have developed trust in him/her or prior to having a solid commitment to one another.

The result of neglecting this relationship order principle has been disastrous for our relationships, producing high divorce rates, out of wedlock children, bitterness and enduring emotional scars.  Therefore, we should be determined to proceed with a deeper knowledge for relationship success from this point on by following the “Law of Relationship Order” when embarking on any new relationship.

***

Dear Relationship Coach,

I met a man at my neighborhood library recently.  We started chatting about a book I had picked up to take out on religion.  He invited me to a vegetarian information lecture, which I attended and thoroughly appreciated.  He asked for my phone number but instead I asked for his, being a little leery of giving my number to someone so soon.   I am twenty-four, just finished my bachelor’s and am working through a temporary service.  I have not dated seriously for over a year and the relationship I had before that ended in disappointment and hurt.  I do think I feel some attraction for him.  He appears to be an intelligent man.  Should I call him and what should I do differently so that I am not disappointed like the last time?

Ready for a Change

Dear Ready for a Change,

I don’t know if you’ve given us enough information to answer your question, so I have some questions for you.   What do you want in a relationship?   Do you want to get married?  You say you were hurt by your previous relationship. Did you have some expectations that weren’t met?  Were you betrayed?

It helps to have clarity about the expectations and goals you have for a relationship. We can appreciate that you don’t want to jump from relationship to relationship, for this can be very emotionally draining and cause you to be unduly cynical about finding a suitable mate. Perhaps you should give him a call, find out more about him—just move slowly and let your intial meeetings be in public places.

Please read and re-read the above article about the relationship order and try to seriously follow the sequence.  Though this may not be the popular approach, it is one that gives you a greater chance that you will not be disappointed again and that you will develop a healthier relationship.

Hope this helps,
Your Relationship Coach

What’s Happening at DZFI?

Upcoming S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course
March 2009.   10-week comprehensive, interactive, course, 1 session per week.  Send email address to info@dzfi.org to find out how to register and for more information.

Victorious relationships using validation language

From the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute

Often it seems that we can more quickly and easily see the faults in others than we can recognize their good points.  As couples, this tendency to find fault or complain will cause pain, disappointment, frustration and resignation.  The following activity helps couples to utilize Validation Language indicating that “I value you, you are worthwhile.” An eastern saint, Bhaktivedanta Swami said, “we should be like the bees that go after the honey, not like the flies who go after the mess”.
When we use Validation Language, we pursue the honey, when we condemn, criticize and overly complain we go after the mess.  In this exercise, couples will practice using Validation Language with one another.  Each spouse should choose one of the following:

I respect            I applaud

I admire            I appreciate

I cherish            I like

I delight            I love

I celebrate            I relish

I honor                I accept

Set aside a few minutes every day — morning, afternoon or night and let your spouse know that you validate him or her.  From your heart, tell your spouse one quality or one characteristic about them that you can utilize to finish the above phrases.  Then ask them to do the same.

Here’s an example:  (Husband to wife):  “I admire how you are so considerate when I come home from work and I’m exhausted or disappointed from the job.  You give me time to unwind and to adjust.”

Couples should endeavor to practice at least one validating statement each day.  For some, it may be a little awkward, however with sincere commitment to practice, validation language, which is actually devotional language, can become a regular part of our lives. Validation language works well in all interactions—between parent and child, employer and employee, between siblings, etc.  It’s a simple yet profound communication technique that will enhance any relationship.

Dear Relationship Coach,

“I really loved my husband at the beginning of our marriage, now, however, so much of the attraction and appeal seems to have faded.  We’ve been married for nine years.  I am in the marriage for the duration (and he says he is too) but I wonder if we can have a deeper, more vibrant relationship.”     Wondering

Dear Wondering,

You Can!  The hustle and bustle of life, bills, children, monotony, house repairs, disagreements and more, can wear away the thrill, and  the newness of a relationship can fade inevitably like the heartbreakingly beautiful sunset that just has to leave us.

It is very commendable that both you and your husband are so committed to honoring your marriage vows.  Please know that all relationships have peaks and valleys and the important thing to know that “this too shall pass”.  We highly recommend that you and your husband go together to see the movies Fireproof and Why Did I Get Married?  These two movies provide a perspective that is simultaneously realistic and inspiring, depicting marriages that can get very complicated or become quite complacent.   Also, try to implement the exercise in this month’s newsletter (Validation Language) on a daily basis with your husband.  You will be pleasantly surprised how such a simple technique will put a little flavor back into your relationship.

Do you and your husband date?  Don’t laugh at this.  Having a weekly or biweekly time when the two of you get together to go for a walk, go to a movie, give each other massages, play a game or read together is very, very important.

Finally, seek out workshops that will help you to improve communication with your spouse, assist you in setting some couple goals and making time for each other again.
Sincerely,
Your Relationship Coach

What’s Happening at DZFI ?

*  Cleveland’s First Hispanic Marriage Day! A wonderful collaboration of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, Hispanic UMADAOP, and Cuyahoga County’s Strong Start program, with support from the Spanish American Committee, is coordinating the first ever Hispanic Marriage Day in Cleveland, OH.  Five Hispanic Couples will be inaugurated into the Cleveland Hispanic Hall of Fame, many other couples will reaffirm their marriage commitment in a beautiful celebration including entertainment, food and a keynote address by Luis & Edith Vazquez.  This event, free and open to the public, will take place in a beautiful setting, the Saigon Plaza, 5400 Detroit Avenue, Cleveland, OH on Sunday October 12, 2008 from 3-6 p.m.  (Some readers may remember that Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute coordinated the First Black Marriage Day in Cleveland in March, 2008).

* SELF (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course© will be offered in the Spring of 2009 in the greater Cleveland, Ohio area.  Only a select group of individuals will be accepted for this in-depth, interactive and comprehensive training course.  This Self Healthy Relationship Course© will prepare unmarried individuals for healthy relationships.   For registration details, contact Ms. K. Dasi at 216-321-0930 or request registration information at contact@dzfi.org.

The 7 principles are:
* Unity * Self-determination
* Collective Work & Responsibility * Cooperative Economics
* Purpose * Creativity
* Faith

Here is how we can use these principles (The Swahili word is in parenthesis).

1. Unity (Umoja): In a relationship, there are at least two different opinions, backgrounds, perspectives, and reactions. Cooperating, working together to achieve common goals and objectives is a fundamental principle on which healthy relationships are built. Unity is not accidental. It is a deliberate, conscious and focused action in which each spouse or partner sees her/him self as a TEAM player. It sometimes requires sacrifice but the result of acting in the principle of Unity produces powerful results for emotional, spiritual and physical growth. An example: a couple meets weekly or biweekly to plan financial expenditures, savings, investments, debt reduction/elimination and goals, dedicating a special time for such meetings.

2. Self-determination (Kujichagulia): As a couple, YOU get to define your relationship. You get to choose the principles on which you want to build your family. You can identify your couple or family mission. And, you really should clarify what that mission is — together. Why have you come together? What do you stand for?

As an individual, you get to choose the values and principles that define who you are and once you are clear, you can attract a mate or friends with similar values and principles.

3. Collective Work and Responsibility (Ujima): To prosper, to thrive, a husband and wife both work. Whether inside or outside the home at a job or working on the growth and development of the relationship or your own self, your work is dependent upon the choices and unique needs of each couple/family. Together everyone accomplishes more (acronym: TEAM) is demonstrated when each member of the family has some responsible role in the maintenance of house and home. Children do their part as well. They have specific chores or duties to help the household run efficiently and to learn character building qualities.

4. Cooperative Economics (Ujamaa): I am/We are committed to pool resources, save, spend wisely and support with my (our) money and/or our time, the businesses, charities and services that add quality to the community (society, country) in which I/we live.

5. Purpose (Nia): Because we work together in unity, we have identified our purpose. We understand or are in the process of understanding, what our purpose is, as an individual, a couple or as a family.

6. Creativity (Kuumba): We utilize our God-given talents to beautify our communities, our family and ourselves. As a couple, we engage in cultural and artistic endeavors to enrich our lives and the lives of others. Because we work in unity, we are able to come up with creative, innovative ways to meet our needs and serve our families and communities.

7. Faith (Imani): Our faith in a Divine, Benevolent Source, our faith in our commitment to our family and community, our faith in each other is the foundation of a strong, healthy and supportive environment. As a couple, family or individual we demonstrate this faith by what we think, say and do. This causes us to think not so much about what we don’t have and can’t do, but what we can do with what we do have. Our faith attracts unexpected help and gives us inner strength. Faith is developed by associating with principled, caring, positive people.

We are encouraging you to use all of these principles in all of your relationships this month. And at the end of the month, please write us and let us know how you and your relationships were affected by your efforts.

Enthusiastic discussion about the report and what it means to Ohio and Cuyahoga County, the history and future of such a report and more combined with passionate, attentive audience members made the afternoon informative, educational and inspiring. Audience members requested more of these kinds of dialogs, particularly those moving our community to implement some collaborative and practical family-strengthening initiatives for reducing the enormous economic, social and ethical costs of this phenomenon.

An article about the report and the panel discussion appeared in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Thursday, April 17, 2008.

The full report, press kit, and video of the National Press Conference, held in Washington, D. C., April 15, 2008, is available at http://www.americanvalues.org.

Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute has been encouraged to submit the video of our Cleveland panel discussion to YouTube. We’ll keep you posted.

It was in this spirit that they recently attended a weekend couples retreat called Marriage Encounter. For about 46 hours, they were engaged in a process that encouraged them to focus on each other, without the distractions of television, telephones, watches and computers. Their communication was encouraged through many dialogues in a comfortable hotel setting.

“I wasn’t so enthusiastic when my wife asked me to come on this retreat,” said one man, “but I’m real glad we did. We are so busy all the time with the kids, work, bills, the house and her sick dad. I was wondering what happened to the good times we used to have. This retreat was fun and I learned how to relate to my wife better. The spiritual focus helped us, too.”

The idea of maintaining or upgrading to a vibrant, healthy relationship by having periodic tune-ups is neither new nor negative. Like a well-run furnace or an automobile or a household, regular check-ups, check-ins, or cleansings are vital to optimal operation, harmony and cooperative interaction between parts.

“This was one of the best investments in our relationship we have ever made,” Sandi told us about a different couple retreat she had attended. “We’ve been engaged for 6 months and there was a lot we needed help with. Being with other couples was a real plus.”

Couple retreats are an excellent form of marriage or relationship enrichment and such retreats come in many different packages. Some take place over a weekend and others are a one-day affair. Some, like the one the co-directors attended, focus on couple intimacy and communication. Other couple retreats, like Sandi’s, include a variety of couple and group activities, games, workshops, and opportunities for physical relaxation through massage or body wraps. Usually, there is no airing of “dirty laundry’ and the retreat setting often occurs in very appealing, attractive surroundings. Some retreats are open to couples who are married or engaged or couples who may be considering engagement or marriage or cohabiting. Others are for married couples only.

Whatever the form, a couple’s retreat is generally energizing and rejuvenating for couples, providing wonderful opportunities for re-connection and tools for healthier communication, financial management, conflict resolution and win-win problem solving as well as meeting other couples. Family and friends can purchase “couple retreat” gift certificates to give as wedding or anniversary presents or just to encourage a couple to improve their relationship skills. These gift certificates can pay for part of all of a couple’s retreat experience.

(Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute offers an annual Couples Retreat (as well as gift certificates for this event and other DZFI services). This year our retreat will take place Saturday, June 21 from 9:00 – 6:00 p.m. in Bath, OH)

Select any image to enlarge and view a photo slideshow.

Almost 40 couples from a variety of religions and backgrounds renewed their vows with spectacular entertainment from Hue People & Distinguished Gentlemen of the Spoken Word and a keynote by the Parks, who journeyed from Pennsylvania with a memorable message about marriage, hope and practical application of love.

Other highlights:

• Marriage sharings from the two co-directors, Krsnanandini & Tariq, from an Imam and from 2 couples who renewed their vows.
• Proclamations from Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs-Jones and Cleveland City Hall.
• Delicious refreshments and a renewal ceremony highlighted by Rev. Lassiter’s powerful words rounded out the day.

Buy the Black Marriage Day 2008 DVD in our store.

• Tired of falling into the same of old patterns with his relationships and

• Wanted to become better skilled at communicating and resolving conflicts

“I want to get prepared,” he told us, “for a healthy, dynamic, spiritually rich relationship that would end in a loving marriage commitment. “I’m afraid,” he said, “because I am hard pressed to find examples of happy marriages in my circle. I’m scared. But I still believe it’s possible.”

So we’ll share with you some of the suggestions we gave to this very serious young man.

First, it is a fact that successful relationships are a direct consequence of personal commitment (connected with character), preparation, and learning of healthy relationship skills.

Having a strong, principled character is a prerequisite; it takes character for one to make a thoughtful consideration before making a commitment and then to honor one’s commitments with determination and creativity. Association with persons of high quality character will encourage our own character qualities, Qualities such as honesty, patience, forgiveness, and cooperation.

Why is it that we prepare for and get training for so many of the important things in our lives: employment and careers, driving motor vehicles, becoming a foster parent, swimming and other sports, speaking other languages, achieving and maintaining physical fitness, — while for what is arguably the most significant relationship in our lives (outside of with God) — we receive no preparation or training?

So we recommended that our inquisitive young man first work to clarify his own spiritual values and personal goals, then prepare for marriage by taking premarital skill-building courses or workshops.

Have a relationship question? ASK US and we’ll endeavor to respond in an upcoming newsletter.

(Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute has developed a Healthy Relationship Skill-building course for Singles – unmarried men and women who want to learn appropriate and comprehensive skills to prepare them for successful, principled marriages and other relationships. This course will be implemented in the greater Cleveland area later this year.)

An ancient story from the Hasidic tradition tells of a rabbi who had a conversation with God about Heaven and Hell. “I will show you Hell,” said the Lord, and led the rabbi into a room containing a group of famished, desperate people sitting around a large, circular table. In the center of the table rested an enormous pot of stew, more than enough for everyone. The smell of the stew was delicious and made the rabbi’s mouth water. Yet no one ate. Each diner at the table held a very long-handled spoon—long enough to reach the pot and scoop up a spoonful of stew, but too long to get the food into one’s mouth. The rabbi saw that their suffering was indeed terrible and bowed his head in compassion.

“Now I will show you Heaven,” said the Lord, and they entered another room, identical to the first—same large, round table, same enormous pot of stew, same long-handled spoons. Yet there was gaiety in the air: everyone appeared well nourished, plump, and exuberant. The rabbi could not understand and looked to the Lord. “It is simple,” said the Lord, “but it requires a certain skill. You see, the people in this room have learned to feed each other!”

The analogy above can easily be seen in so many contemporary relationships. People are famished, desperate for the “food” of connectivity, healthy communication and emotional support and because many don’t feed the significant others in their lives and they are not being fed themselves, the result is serious relationship disasters. A healthy relationship is one in which husband and wife, parent and child, sibling and sibling, or friend and friend, “feed” each other.

In our last newsletter, we suggested that our readers write a list of 8 things you could begin immediately to improve your relationships or work on your personal growth. And, we recommended that you review your list this month to see what you have actually started and begun to implement.

One of the first items on the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute List, is to encourage our readers to review some of the significant relationships in your life and clarify goals in these intimate interactions. What do you want out of your relationship with your spouse (mother, sibling, best friend)? Is it friendship, dependability, honesty, shared values, financial and/or emotional support, unconditional love? Identifying one’s needs and wants in a relationship is often helpful in the process of self-examination, growth and healing. Are you being realistic? Are you being greedy? Are you honest?

What are you willing to give in each relationship? What you give is what you are investing to get. That’s an age-old paradox. Or, as stated by famous first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, “the most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give.” Basically, our relationships feed us or deprive us. If you are feeling deprived, first examine how much you are giving, how much you are sharing.

At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we teach simple, healthy relationship skills so that individuals, couples and families can “feed each other.” (Refer to list of DZFI services) .

In our next newsletter, we will answer a question sent in by one of our readers: “What qualities should I be developing to attract a healthy relationship?”

With warm regards,

Krsnanandini & Tariq

Co-Directors

Moving forward to 2008, this is a year we can claim healthier relationships. We’re not making any resolutions, but we are making a plan. Ours is a plan with specific goals to grow healthier and more productive in our close relationships, and we would like to invite all of our readers to join us in this process.

Before we can realize healthier relationships, there is a prerequisite first step: make peace with your past. Release yourself and others from the cage. As human beings we have a tendency to categorize, to “box-in”, to view ourselves and others through the lens of the past. “She’s just going to be late because she always has.” “I won’t be able to stick to my exercise plan because I didn’t do it last year.” “I can’t trust him because he lied three times.” The box gets tighter and letting go of our past means release from these mental images of ourselves and others.

This is a good time for all of us to do so, having just come through another year – a year of challenges, a year of anxieties, pressures and pains, a year of victories, hopes and inspiration. If you’re ready to claim healthy relationships, understand that the things you have already said and done in 2007 are final and there is no way to change what has already happened. No regrets, no resentments, no constant regurgitations of why, I should have, could have, would have… none of these can change the past.

Instead of “I should have, I could have, or I would have”, what is it that I can do —? Most people are carrying so many regrets and resentments about things they could have done, but didn’t; should have done, but failed to do and would have done, had it not been for obstacles that got in the way. So much time is spent on this kind of thinking that many of us fail to make progress. “Between the little things that we will not do, and the big things that we cannot do, the danger is that we may not get anything done.” (Anonymous)

So the “cure is in the can”. The remedy for stagnation, procrastination and going backwards is to focus on what you can do. Ask yourself, “What can I do now, at this time, to transform my life or my relationship into the healthy, successful one that I desire? What steps can I take to make sure I am growing or working on my plan? What circumstances are in my exclusive control?” “Am I able to look at my abilities, my capacities and not give much attention to other people’s frailties?

“I can change the way I respond when my (wife, husband, parent, sister, friend, child) does the same annoying thing he/she always does.”

“I can take a class to do the one thing I’ve told myself that I wanted to do for a long time. I can take small steps to regulate my time by going to bed/getting up a little earlier.“

I may not be able to go to the temple, church or synagogue every week, but I can read a spiritual book for 15-30 minutes. I can have a weekly family meeting or biweekly date night with my children or spouse. I can write dates on the calendar that we agree upon.

Make a list of 8 things you can do or can start this week. Then, in February, check what you’ve actually done.

Deciding on and taking beginning steps to implement a plan is a much healthier way to move forward in 2008 than resolution alone. Next month our newsletter will focus on clarifying our relationship goals. (What is it exactly that I would like to get/give in each of my relationships?)