Mentor Couple/Marriage Educators
New Hope for Marriage Help
By Krsnanandini Devi Dasi and Tariq Saleem Ziyad
Co-Directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute
Just recently engaged, Jason and Lauren are treading on waters that they both have approached with great trepidation. He, because his parents divorced when he was quite young and he often felt the pangs of separation from his absentee father. She, because she hasn’t seen “any examples of good, solid, healthy marriages.” Lauren and Jason are probably not aware, but now, for the first time in a long time , couples such as they, are one of the “hot” topics of social scientists and are being discussed in the media almost every day.
Exploring the state of marriage and family and how it affects the society, marriage and family experts are writing books, creating programs and advocating “solutions” to the marriage problem in America. Most people still want to get married and having a mother and father who cooperate in a healthy relationship is best for children and society, so how do we balance concerns, realities and desires?
Recent headlines splashed across the U.S. reveal many of our country’s contemporary marriage statistics. These headlines told stories that some call frightening and some see as hopeful. Others see these headlines and say “I told you so.”
Marriage rates in the U.S. have stabilized. That is, although the divorce rate is still quite high, it is not, apparently, getting higher. Marriage and family experts are promoting that healthy relationships create healthy families and communities. A welcome new push is being given to couple and marriage strengthening programs across the country because both research and experience emphatically demonstrate that children and families are negatively affected when mothers and fathers don’t have healthy interactions. These negatives include: greater prevalence of substance abuse and juvenile delinquency, poorer performances in school and lower graduation rates.
What is important and empowering to know is that there are skills people can learn and commitments we can make to energize and strengthen relationships, to make a weak, frustrated relationship into a strong and vibrant one.
One of the most promising initiatives in the strengthening marriage and family arena is the training of healthy, married couples to act as mentor couple/marriage educators. A husband and wife, married at least 8 years, with a willingness to help others, are given comprehensive training to educate another couple (before and after marriage). Such training effectively enables the healthy couples to become skilled role models for engaged or already-married couples. And, the training enhances the relationship of the couples who are trained. This is a win-win situation that makes all parties winners.
This kind of training holds such promise because research demonstrates that traditional “marriage therapy or counseling” is not the only way to assist couples. In fact, people close to us and similar to us, with appropriate training and commitment, may be in the best position to support couples. Couples get to work with more experienced couples who “live their sermons” and model their healthy relationship skills. They also provide periodic “check-ups” for the couples with whom they work.
Mentor couple marriage educators receive training in how to assess couples for strengths and challenges and how to coach couples in an array of healthy relationship skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial management and budgeting, setting goals, writing mission statements for relationships, the importance of principled-centered lives and value clarification for couples and individuals. They acquire a proven system for working with couples before and after marriage.
Then the trained couples, now certified mentor couple marriage educators, return to their communities, churches, families and associations to share their skills and commitment. Thus, if Lauren and Jason are fortunate enough to receive comprehensive marriage education through a certified mentor couple marriage educator, they will be better equipped to get married and stay married in a lasting, healthy union. They will also have a couple to act as a resource and guide even after their formal marriage education sessions are completed.
These grassroots efforts hold great promise for affecting quiet yet powerful healthy changes in marriage and family dynamics. Mentor couple marriage educators, with their ability to educate and empower couples with healthy skills are much needed role models. After all, just as children live what they learn, so too, do adults.
