What comes first in a relationship for best results? You meet someone. Many too soon become intimate and later regret it. What’s a healthy way to progress in a relationship? Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute presents The Law of Relationship Order on Friday, June 8, 2012 at the Martin Luther King Civic Center, 14801 Shaw Avenue, East Cleveland, OH 44112 from 3:00 pm to 5:00 pm. It’s free and open to the public! Come and discover how to move forward in a healthy relationship!

The New Year is starting with gusto. And we anticipate more opportunities to serve couples, families and individuals than ever before.

• Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute now provides Marriage education services by phone through Skype as well as direct services at our home office.
• Check out our latest posting online at the Coalition for Divorce Reform website and make a comment.
• Stay tuned for information about soon-to-be published book: Heart and Soul Connection: A Devotional Guide to Marriage, Service and Love. Co-directors, Krsnanandini and Tariq helped to write this book with members of the North American Family Vision Team.A video is being prepared to give details and invite you to support this project which will be featured on kickstarter.com. The kickstarter.com website promotes interesting projects and raises funds for them. We will keep you posted.
• Relationship Tip: Try a different approach when you and your loved ones have a disagreement. Be quiet. Then, suggest “let’s talk about this tomorrow” and then really set a time when you will continue the conversation. It’s interesting what time and calming down will do.
• Finally, if you have a relationship question, email us at info@dzfi.org. We’ll respond. We pray this year is the best yet for you and your family.

There are two things we need to talk about that are obstacles to having healthier families: Divorce and cohabitation. When families are weak; society is weak. Unhealthy families mean unhealthy society. Please see our blog at www.divorcereform.info and read the comments below for more discussion.

Co-Directors Krsnanandini and Tariq have presented several workshops over the summer in Guyana, South America, Toronto Canada, Columbus, Ohio, New York and West Virginia. Our mission is to empower individuals, couples and families with healthy relationship skills. Everywhere we go we see the need for this empowerment; everywhere we go people ask for help with their marriages and their relationships. “If I knew then what I know now, I would have found a way to work it out with my spouse,” one lady told us recently, reminiscent of country musician Kenny Rogers’ famous ballad. “I didn’t realize the fall-out from divorce with my children, finances, social life, everything.”

We’ve heard comments similar to this often. Divorce is almost never the best solution; Over time, feelings erode due to little things: “he didn’t keep up his appearance”, “I don’t like how she dragged her house shoes across the floor when she walked,” “she chewed gum and popped it — it was like torture.” The French philosopher Blaise Pascal said: “Little things console us because little things afflict us” It’s the little things that build up over time, causing frustration and annoyance. Healthy communication skills can go a long way to deal with these little things as well as strength of character and compassion. Just as you don’t give up on a child because he has become difficult or causes problems, you shouldn’t give up on your marriage. Get help– there’s more and more available now.

So that’s one thing. The other thing is the phenomenon of cohabitation. Clearly, this trend (to cohabit rather than marry) is not at all beneficial, for society for children or men or women. People who fail to marry when there are children they have or want to have children do not get the benefits of a committed healthy marriage and there are hundreds and hundreds of statistics to prove it. The question is what happened to make us accept cohabitation as an alternative to a committed marriage? Where did we lose sight of the best arena to raise children? And, are people happier and more satisfied doing it this way? These are some questions we as a society need to answer.

How do you know it’s love? As parents of a combined total of 19 children (varying in age from 9 to 47) — and even more grandchildren, we, the co-directors of Dasi–Ziyad Family Institute are bound to get questions from all categories from our children. The older ones and the younger ones approach us for wise answers to curious, sad or challenging questions.

Then there are the hundreds of clients and workshop participants who query us (Certified Family Life Educators, Certified Better Together Instructors) about their relationships, their families and even their innermost desires, hopes and dreams. Here are some of them:

• Do you think I will love this child as much as I do my first one?
• Is it alright to want time for myself?
• Why should I forgive him when he betrayed my trust?
• She wants to be more than friends, am I really ready for this?
• What’s the difference between marriage and cohabitation?
• Because of one such question that we were asked for the umpteenth time:  How do I know it’s love?, this month we’ll talk about looking at your relationship to know if it’s love. Or not.
• Here are some general truths about love: When it’s love we feel better about ourselves; we feel lovable and capable, validated and worthwhile. When we are loved, we feel safe. In a relationship therefore, if we are feeling unsafe, it is probably not true love.
• And because love — especially in a marriage or premarital relationship, should be reciprocal—each person in a relationship should feel loved and worthwhile. If it’s not reciprocal or mutually beneficial, then it’s like the old song says: “I found love on a two way street—but lost it on a lonely highway”

Take the mini test below if you are in a relationship—either married or premarital: Answer each question with a yes or no.

1. Do you feel that you can trust or depend on your spouse/mate?
2. Do you feel that your spouse can trust or depend on you?
3. Are you good friends?
4. Do you feel you would die without your spouse/mate?
5. Is your spouse/mate the only person who can make you happy?
6. Are most of the problems in your relationship due to the unreasonableness or lack of understanding of your spouse?
7. Are you honest with your spouse?
8. Is your spouse honest with you?
9. Do you talk openly and honestly about your feelings and your concerns?
10. Do you forgive mistakes?
11. Does your spouse forgive mistakes?
12. Are you afraid of your spouse?
13. Is your spouse afraid of you?
14. Has your spouse ever abandoned you in an unsafe place or situation?
15. Have you ever abandoned your spouse in an unsafe place or situation?
16. Do you ever humiliate your spouse/mate?
17. Does your spouse ever humiliate you?
18. Do you express anger in healthy ways?
19. Do you feel that you have to constantly prove your love?
20. Does either of you touch each other in ways that are uncomfortable?

We could add a very important question to this list which has so much to do with creating and maintaining a lasting, healthy relationship: Is there a spiritual or principle-based foundation that you both agree on?
No matter who or where you are, genuine loving relationships are characterized by healthy communication, honesty, respect, friendship, trust, forgiveness, appreciation and compassion. We will analyze the responses to this survey in March’s newsletter.

The best way to ensure that you will be in a loving relationship is to prepare yourself for one. This spring Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute presents a comprehensive course for individuals who want to prepare for healthy relationships. This innovative course, the SELF Healthy Relationship Course (Singles Evaluating Life & Family) covers an array of relationship skills, concepts about manhood and womanhood, values clarification, goal-setting, in-depth exploration of self and more. To register and for more information, send email address, phone number, and name to info@dzfi.org.

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Dear Relationship Coach,

We have been married for seven years and we are okay. We’re not thinking about divorce or anything like that but we keep running into the same brick walls. He does things that annoy and bother me and I am sure I do the same. How do I get him to stop some annoying behavior without saying it over and over?

Sincerely,
We Need Help

Dear Need Help,

You’ve heard that definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Some important communication skills are required here. Reflective listening where each of you agree to listen to one another in a process where the Listener hears without interruption a few statements from the Speaker. Then the Listener acknowledges what the Speaker has said by repeating, in his or her own words what the speaker has said. No interruptions or telling what you think–just listening and giving back what’s been shared. Then you switch places and the Speaker becomes the Listener and repeats the process.

Or, ask your spouse if instead of talking, you can both write down some concerns and issues in a composition notebeook that you keep just for this purpose. Each day (or each week) you read what the other has written and the next day, give feedback by writing a response. Ask your spouse if he would be willing to do this and then use the “sandwich” approach. That is, say something you appreciate about your spouse and then write about the annoying behavior, then end with something that your spouse is doing well or right.

Try either of these two communication strategies and we think you will begin to see growth in your marriage. Let us know how it works.

With warm regards,
Your Relationship Coach

Family is the springboard from which we all jump into life. It is a powerful social institution that is fundamental to the well-being of children and adults. Like other institutions, the family is deeply entwined with many necessary social traditions. The first school, the first educational system in which a child will ever participate, is the family. A child’s initial place for information about spirituality or religion, his or her first church, temple or religious experience (or lack thereof), is the family. The first recreation center, the first place where we play or learn to play, is in the family. Almost all of the important basic skills required for healthy life are initiated in the family.

A healthy marriage, with husband and wife committed to loving cooperation will likely produce children who are healthy and happy. A healthy well-adjusted child is more likely to make a healthy, balanced spouse.

Unfortunately, many of us walk around with emotional wounds, scars and hidden vulnerabilities, the residue of fall-out from divorce or dysfunctional families. Somewhere along the way, feelings of inadequacy, fear of intimacy, rejection, shame, and a host of other conscious or unconscious motivations prevent us from having compassionate, caring relationships because of the baggage we bring to our relationships from our families of origin.

Being a parent is a serious responsibility; the responsibility to nurture, feed, clothe, doctor, educate, shelter, identify talents (and nourish them) and connect with our children so that they know they are lovable and capable, is a demanding, full-time, plus overtime job which many parents have to juggle while holding down other full-time (and sometimes part-time) jobs. These days this tremendous responsibility often falls into the lap of a single parent, grandparent or some other caregiver. “I frequently feel alone and angry when trying to raise my two sons,” a client recently told us, “How could their father just walk away, ignore his responsibility to them? Sure he gives me money. But anyone knows that it takes more than money to care for a child.” She added, “I worry that they may not realize what being a man means.”

Since the family is the microcosm of the larger society, we see society is in distress because families are distressed. Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute is committed to building strong marriages and strong families through its educational, best practices courses, workshops, books and one on one services.

Over the past few years, many people have approached the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute about presenting a healthy relationship course for singles. Ideally, two parents in a healthy marriage form a family that fortifies the children. We think that families can again become that strong start for children, especially if individuals who make the babies get the important relationship skills beforehand as well a wholesome view of them selves and their part in God’s creation. We have practically observed that there is a great necessity for preparing individuals for healthy marriages and other healthy relationships, primarily because of the above-mentioned factors.

Necessity, giving birth to invention, prompted us to create a comprehensive course, the S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family)Healthy Relationship Course© to

• help individuals evaluate and/or release some of the painful or unhealthy baggage they carry into their relationships,

• help identify the meaning of manhood and womanhood,

• empower them with the skills needed to build healthy, satisfying relationships,

• assist in developing personal goals and more.

This in-depth, interactive course, will be conducted for 2 hours per week for 10 weeks. The S.E.L.F. Healthy Relationship course will begin in the Spring of 2009 in the greater Cleveland, Ohio area. Spaces are filled on a first registered, first served basis. To register, email us at contact@dzfi.org. For those not in the Cleveland area, we are willing to come to your church or agency and present the course.  Contact DZFI for details.

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Dear Relationship Coach,

I am seriously considering marriage to a man who has three children. I have two. The mother of his two oldest children has custody of them and frequently makes demands on his time and money (over and above the amount he pays for child support). His mother has custody of his youngest child (by another woman), and she would like him to get this child when/if he marries. He’s a decent, hard-working man and seems to

be a really good father and concerned about his children. Do you think we will be able to make it?

I respect your opinion,

Uncertain

Dear Uncertain

You didn’t mention the ages of the children nor your relationship with your children’s father. These are important considerations.

Blended families can and do work; however, there should be realistic expectations, understanding and agreement before you get married. Seek out a marriage/family educator or coach who can help you identify some of the challenges and strengths in your relationship and can help you understand the steps/stages in blending a stepfamily.

Successfully integrating two families takes patience, kindness and skill. Generally, it takes several years for a family to really blend and the non-biological parent should carefully nurture a relationship with his/her stepchildren, bonding through shared fun and or educational family activities and outings.

A skilled Marriage/Family Educator can help you create similar rules and routines for same or similar age stepchildren. He or she can also help you with the very important consideration of discipline. In the first few months, discipline should come through the biologic

Chemistry, Character and Commitment.

Not too long ago, we were talking about family matters, a friend, my husband (Tariq), and I. Our friend is divorced and has raised some intelligent, thoughtful, children. Her parenting and relationship experiences, fine-tuned and paid for (most recently) with the intentional sacrifice of another intimate relationship, are helpful to many others in her circle of friends and family. She had deliberately postponed another intimate relationship (marriage), waiting until her children were grown up. In the interim, she has attended workshops, took classes and earnestly sought to improve her relationship skills.

Now the two youngest children were over 18 and she was ready to prepare for a lasting marriage. Suddenly, she leaned forward and said, “Krsnanandini and Tariq, I am looking for three things in a mate: “Chemistry, character and commitment”. We commended her for this succinct yet apt description of some very universal, very basic relationship requirements. Last month, we discussed the law of relationship order, which highlights the process of meeting someone, and the sequential stages involved in developing a healthy relationship. This month, our newsletter showcases these three concepts, chemistry, character and commitment, in the context of identifying a person with whom you choose to begin the relationship process in the first place.

For most of us, marriage is a social, religious or community institution where two people, preferably with the blessings of their family and community, agree that they will live peacefully and cooperatively together to love and nurture each other, their children, their families and their communities.

So how will such an important, long-term relationship be decided? Who will you choose? Culture, education, family and so many things must be considered. All of these factors can come under the heading of Chemistry, character and commitment.

Chemistry is significant because it frequently demonstrates a physical and/or mental compatibility and attraction. This is often the way nature allows us to be drawn to a possible mate in the first place.

Character covers a lot of territory including family and cultural background, integrity and education. “Is this person truthful, clean, friendly?”

Commitment – A person who is willing to invest his/her time, energy, and other resources along with vows to serve, love and honor is demonstrating commitment. You can examine how a potential spouse may be committed in other areas: his/her parental, religious or social duties as well as commitment to self-improvement or personal growth.

Chemistry, character and commitment are three smooth stones that can defeat the Goliath of apprehension and uncertainty about whether or not you should proceed to develop a relationship with another individual.

Taken together, these three factors, should determine whether or not you move forward to develop a relationship. Chemistry, without the added factors of character and commitment is not enough to produce a healthy, satisfying marriage or relationship. And, character without chemistry and commitment is not sufficient. Once you make the choice to proceed, then the sequential, developmental relationship steps described in our November 2008 newsletter, should be followed to arrive at a healthy, enduring relationship.

Dear Relationship Coach,

We are on the verge of divorce. My husband and I have been married for almost five years and our marriage has been filled with words and actions that I find it hard to forgive. My family and some friends will be very disappointed but I can’t get out of my mind and heart some of the hurtful things he has done over the past five years. Now, it appears that he wants to change and be really committed to the marriage but I am not at all sure I can forgive him for the infidelity, the lies and the lack of support. We have two children, both from previous marriages. What do you suggest?
Bitter in Illinois

Dear Bitter,
Thank you for an honest letter and for sharing your pain. You don’t mention physical abuse, so I will assume there has been none. You mention the word forgive twice and this indicates that this is precisely what you need to do, with or without a divorce, for your own growth. Forgiveness is a process however, and a choice that an individual makes when he or she is ready to be really healthy. It has little to do with the other person! Many, many people are walking around with spiritual or emotional wounds because they have not forgiven others. Forgiveness does not mean you have to accept abuse, nor does it even mean that you must remain in the proximity of someone who has offended you. For detailed information on the Forgiveness process, you can order our workshop: Journey of Forgiveness: Healing Yourself and Others for $5 (the written workshop) or $10 (CD plus the written workshop, complete, includes worksheet and detailed analysis of Forgiveness) from Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, 3320 Beechwood Avenue, Cleveland Heights, OH 44118.
Prices include shipping and handling. Or order directly online by going to the link on this website: DZFI store .

If your husband is willing, we suggest that you seek out skilled relationship education or counseling. Now more than ever, you can find trained concerned marriage/family educators or marriage/family therapists who can assist you both to heal and develop healthier relationship skills. (See our website www.dzfi.org for marriage educators or www.smartmarriages.com which lists hundreds of services) Infidelity alone, while extremely devastating and painful, does not mean that a marriage cannot survive and eventually thrive. With time, patience, forgiveness and getting improved relationship skills, there is hope for a healthy marriage even after infidelity. For further help see www.DearPeggy.com, a website of the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). BAN is a network of local support groups for men and women who are dealing with the devastating impact of a spouse’s affair.