• Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute now provides Marriage education services by phone through Skype as well as direct services at our home office.
• Check out our latest blog at:  www.divorcereform.info/index.php/Non-Legislative-Efforts-to-Reduce-Divorce/Promising-Solutions-to-the-Marriage-Crisis.html   — Make a comment
• Stay tuned for information about soon-to-be published book:  Heart and Soul Connection:  A Devotional Guide to Marriage, Service and Love.  Co-directors, Krsnanandini and Tariq helped to write this book with members of the North American Family Vision Team.A video is being prepared to give details and invite you to support this project which will be featured on kickstarter.com.  The kickstarter.com website promotes interesting projects and raises funds for them.  We will keep you posted.
• Relationship Tip:  Try a different approach when you and your loved ones have a disagreement.  Be quiet.  Then, suggest “let’s talk about this tomorrow” and then really set a time when you will continue the conversation.  It’s interesting what time and calming down will do.
• Finally, if you have a relationship question, email us at info@dzfi.org.  We’ll respond.  We pray this year is the best yet for you and your family.

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Co-Directors Krsnanandini and Tariq have presented several workshops over the summer in Guyana, South America, Toronto Canada, Columbus, Ohio, New York and West Virginia.  Our mission is to empower individuals, couples and families with healthy relationship skills.  Everywhere we go we see the need for this empowerment; everywhere we go people ask for help with their marriages and their relationships.  “If I knew then what I know now, I would have found a way to work it out with my spouse,”  one lady told us recently, reminiscent of country musician Kenny Rogers’ famous ballad.  “I didn’t realize the fall-out from divorce with my children, finances, social life, everything.”

We’ve heard comments similar to this often.  Divorce is almost never the best solution;  Over time, feelings erode due to little things:  “he didn’t keep up his appearance”, “I don’t like how she dragged her house shoes across the floor when she walked,”  “she chewed gum and popped it — it was like torture.”   The French philosopher Blaise Pascal said:  “Little things console us because little things afflict us”  It’s the little things that build up over time, causing frustration and annoyance.  Healthy communication skills can go a long way to deal with these little things as well as strength of character and compassion.  Just as you don’t give up on a child because he has become difficult or causes problems, you shouldn’t give up on your marriage.  Get help– there’s more and more available now.

So that’s one thing.   The other thing is the phenomenon of cohabitation.  Clearly, this trend (to cohabit rather than marry) is not at all beneficial, for society for children or men or women.  People who fail to marry when there are children they have or want to have children do not get the benefits of a committed healthy marriage and there are hundreds and hundreds of statistics to prove it.  The question is what happened to make us accept cohabitation as an alternative to a committed marriage?  Where did we lose sight of the best arena to raise children?  And, are people happier and more satisfied doing it this way?  These are some questions we as a society need to answer.

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If you and your spouse:

1. Are in a healthy marriage
2. Have been married at least 8 years (some exceptions)
3. Are committed to being a role model couple for others
4. Are committed to the principles of cleanliness, truthfulness, self-discipline, and compassion
5. Submit an essay: Why we want to become Certified Mentor Couple/Marriage Educators

You can get skills to work with premarital and married couples with a proven system that teaches you to coach and empower other couples with healthy relationship skills.  This is an interactive curriculum with role-plays, games, poems group activities and more. Our training will help you prepare couples for healthy marriages, save marriages and prevent divorce!

From Couple to Couple is a comprehensive, interactive, systematic Train the Educator course for teaching couples in successful marriages to mentor other couples. Designed and implemented by co-directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, this course has been conducted in West Virginia, Florida, Cleveland, South Africa and Ireland. Mentor Marriage Educator couples receive training in how to assess couples for strengths and challenges, how to conduct themselves professionally and confidentially, and how to coach couples in relationship skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial management, values clarification, setting goals, writing mission statements for their relationships and the importance of principled-centered lives. Marriage Educator Couples acquire a proven, practical system for working with other couples before and after marriage. This is a nuts and bolts course, and mentor marriage educator couples are given all the tools, training and support they will need to work with other couples.

Our team of committed, Certified Family Life Educators (CFLEs) works with healthy married couples in this fun, interactive, lively and practical curriculum for 3 Saturdays in a paradigm-shifting course that elevates the way couples view marriage. Couples that have become Certified Marriage Educators in our course tell us that their own marriages were strengthened and enriched as a result.

Our modest fee will allow you to become a local, accessible, well-trained, Certified Marriage Educator couple in your community, in your church and in your family.

Only $300 (reduced from $480) per couple for 24 hour, 3 day, in-depth marriage education training that includes the following:

• Couple handbooks and all training materials
• Step by Step Session Guide to work with a couple
• Discounts on DZFI couple retreats, courses and workshops
• Continued support through monthly teleconference calls
• Listings on our DZFI website (www.dzfi.org)

A $50 deposit will reserve your place in this training. Register and pay in full before May 20, 2011 and save 10%, a discount of $30!

Pay by credit card via PayPal by selecting one of the following links:

1. Pay $50 deposit now to reserve your spot
2. Save 10% by registering and paying $220 balance by May 20, 2011
3. After May 20th, 2011, pay balance of $250

Please indicate with your payment your address, phone number, the full name of the couple, and how many years married.

Pay by check, by mailing it to:

Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute
3320 Beechwood Avenue
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118

1. Pay $50 deposit now to reserve your spot
2. Save 10% by registering and paying $220 balance postmarked by May 20, 2011
3. After May 20th, 2011, pay balance of $250

Please indicate with your payment your address, phone number, the full name of the couple, and how many years married.

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By Krsnanandini Devi Dasi and Tariq Saleem Ziyad

Co-Directors, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute

We’ve been providing marriage and relationship education for over fifteen years. Through our Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute and our work as part of an international Family Vision Team, we help couples handle a variety of situations from financial to emotional to sexual, to spiritual. We’ve witnessed many, many relationship challenges for couples.  One of the least talked about but quickly increasing challenges for married couples in our society is pornography.  More couples are asking for help and we respect those who are able to admit that they’re struggling with this problem.

“What surprises me is that Americans are still surprised to see sex addiction ruining lives,” says Michael Leahy, author of “Porn Nation,” a book about sex addiction.

“We just don’t realize that we live in an increasingly pornographi culture, a sex-saturated society where some people get really fixated on it,” said Mr. Leahy. “You can be married to a Christie Brinkley – or a Halle Berry – and it really doesn’t matter because it’s never about your spouse. It’s about your pathological relationship with pornography or other [sexually explicit] material. Everything else becomes irrelevant.”

What is pornography?

Pornography is the depiction of erotic or sexual behavior in movies, pictures, books, photography or writing, that is intended to cause sexual excitement.

Addiction to pornography or porn is one of the most challenging addictions to overcome. From Spain to California, Australia to Canada, Nigeria to Calcutta, millions of people all over the globe struggle with this powerful vice. Once they admit they have a problem, they have made the first step to overcoming it. ‘”It’s like being addicted to cocaine”, one client cried.  “I want to stop but I can’t.”  And he rightly claimed this dilemma because people addicted to pornography feel the same release of neurochemicals in their brain, causing them to feel  temporary pleasure, as cocaine addicts do.  Unfailingly though, after experiencing this kind of pleasure, the participant feels extreme guilt or shame.  Especially for those on the spiritual path, the guilt can be overwhelming.

Internet pornography and cybersex (the sneaky) addiction

As Internet usage has as increased, so too, has the availability of online pornography. Addiction to pornography online, called cybersex, is a type of sexual addiction.  This kind of sexual addiction is tricky because viewing sex on the Internet is accessible anytime the viewer wants to make it happen and because the Internet is anonymous.  No one has to know what the individual is viewing or doing. Someone could spend hours online, in the privacy of their own home, car or office, while pursuing sexual fantasies that are impossible in real life.

Your spouse cannot compete with fantasy or illusion

The hurt caused by this addiction often devastates the entire family.  Because real people cannot compete with fantasy, cybersex addiction can substitute for and destroy genuine intimate relationships. Spouses often feel rejected, unattractive and betrayed. Additionally, because this addiction is compulsive behavior, it requires hours online to feed it and is a real impediment to healthy relationships just from the sheer amount of time wasted on it.  To heal, you must really believe, accept, and know that pornography specifically, and illicit sex in general, is not healthy for you, your family or the community.

How do you know that your behavior is addictive?  Here is a checklist for sexual addiction:

• Your sexual behavior causes you to act against your underlying values and spiritual beliefs,
• Your sexual behaviors create negative legal, relationship, career, emotional or physical consequences, yet you persist in engaging in those sexual behaviors anyway
• Your sexual activities hurt the ones you love but you still do them
• Your sexual activities take up more time, energy, thought and focus than they should or than you would like
• You frequently tell yourself:   “after this, I’m not going to ever do this again.  This is the last time that I am going to watch it or read it” But you still return to the same or similar sexual situations, as if by compulsion, in spite of previous agreements (to yourself or your spouse).

Spiritual Growth and Progress   (Here is some insight from an ancient scripture, The Bhagavad-Gita)

Arjuna said;  “O descendant of Vrsni, by what is one impelled to sinful acts, even unwillingly, as if engaged by force?”

The Supreme Lord said:  “it Is lust only, Arjuna, which is born of contact with the material mode of passion and later transformed into wrath, and which Is the all-devouring sinful enemy of this world.’  (Bhagavad-Gita Ch.3, verses 36, 37)

It is clear that pornography, masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, etc. fall in the category of illicit sex, and definitely check our progress on the spiritual path, or the path to healthiness, in addition to causing pain to oneself and one’s family.  When a person marries and/or makes the choice to live a life of principle, they generally make firm agreements about their behavior, including avoiding any kind of illicit sex.  “That’s’ why we came to you,” a young couple confided, “We need help to save our marriage and honor those vows.”

Some Real Hope

Pornography, like many other vices, is an abominable activity.   It is like a tornado that undermines your spiritual growth and progress and ruins healthy family life; it can destroy your relationships and it deepens the deep well of illusory life.  It leaves in its wake guilt, shame, fear, heartache, disgust, and feelings of despair and hopelessness.    It is never satisfied. As one young client told us, “No matter how much I give in to the urge, I always feel the need to do it again.  This thing is a relentless master.”  These unhealthy drives are a result of past karmic influences, weakness and current environmental conditioning.  But for those who are serious about reclaiming their lives, there I hope.  It Is a sickness from which you can recover.

If we are sincere and serious about living a life of principle, then we generally get divine help to rise above any abominable activity through heartfelt repentance and engaging in growth-enhancing activities, with help from people who care about us.  Sincerity is shown by truly being sorry in our heart and by asking forgiveness from God, yourself, and your spouse. Taking active steps to distance yourself from unhealthy activity and unhealthy thoughts demonstrate your seriousness.

Tips for breaking addiction to pornography

When you acknowledge that you have a problem with Internet porn, or pornography in general and that you no longer want to be a servant of this addiction, you have taken the first and most important step towards claiming a more balanced life.  It’s easy to deny addiction, but your commitment to become healthier and honor your spiritual or marital vows will help you to make progress.

Find ways to spend fun time with your spouse and family

Now research from the University of Denver supports the idea that

Finding moments to be together free of financial, family or other stresses  “just to have fun together”, is not an indulgence.

“The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.

“The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.”  For men, the connection is even more important, the researchers say.  They found that men are more likely than women to call their spouse their best friend.

The following are more tools, some from the Sexual Recovery Institute (www.sexualrecovery.com), to help you begin to get the addiction under control. While you can put many of these in place yourself, make sure you get some outside support as well. It’s all too easy to slip back into old patterns of usage, especially if you use the Internet heavily for work.

• Identify any underlying reasons that need treatment. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, for example, pornography addiction might be a way to self-soothe rocky moods. Have you had problems with alcohol or drugs in the past? Does anything about your Internet use remind you of how you used to drink or use drugs to numb out? Take a hard look at whether you need to address treatment in these areas, whether it is therapy for depression or going back to 12-step meetings.
• Increase your coping skills. Perhaps blowing off steam on the Internet is your way of coping with stress or angry feelings. Or you have trouble relating to others, feeling excessively shy or feeling like you can never read people right in real life. Building skills in these areas will help you weather the stresses and strains of daily life without resorting to compulsive Internet use. Related Help guide sites can be found below.
• Don’t accept self-destruction by sabotaging your own success and well being.  Be careful that you don’t allow your feelings of inadequacy, and your unconscious desire to prove to others that you’re not good enough for them to trust you, take charge of your life. When thoughts come to you to participate in pornographic activities, have a plan for what alternative things you will do.
• Create goals for yourself. Acknowledge where you are and Identify where you want to be.  If possible, do this with your spouse or with a skilled marriage/family educator.
• Strengthen your support network. The more relationships you have in real life, the less you will need the Internet for social interaction. Set aside dedicated time each week for spouse or other family. If you are shy, try finding common interest groups such as an exercise class or book reading club. This allows you to interact with others in a non-threatening way and allows relationships to naturally develop.
• Whatever you do, don’t give up on endeavoring to be free of this prison of pornography.

Masturbation Addiction

Sometimes people struggle with a masturbation addiction in addition to porn addiction. Masturbating and reaching climax only strengthens your addiction to porn. Even if you only struggle with masturbation addiction, there is still a chemical dependency on the brain’s neurochemical interactions. Your brain does not recognize the difference between healthy sex with your spouse and releasing the chemicals (through masturbation) by yourself. So you become addicted to the easiest way to release the chemicals – alone — and to doing the act far too often.

Good News

“Pornography addiction is total insanity. But that’s what addiction is – total insanity,” says psychologist Douglas Weiss, who leads the Heart to Heart Counseling Center for sex addicts in Colorado Springs, Colo. Pornography addiction “isn’t something that you have to stay stuck with,” he says. “Your marriage doesn’t have to be destroyed; your kids don’t have to have big holes in their souls. And you can live a congruent life.”

So there’s good news in this very trying situation. The good news is that with determination and commitment to practice your spiritual lifestyle, with help from friends and family and/or Marriage & Family Educators, you can find healthy, wholesome alternatives to pornography and reestablish your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God.  We know.  We’ve helped quite few couples to recover from this devastating problem.

References:

http://www.sexualrecovery.com

http://newlifehabits.com/

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Recently the Co-directors of Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute traveled to Guyana, South America, Toronto, Canada and Pennsylvania to conduct workshops or seminars on Parenting and/or provide marriage and family education to couples and individuals.  At each of these places, we were beseeched with requests for information and help with parenting skills.

These inquiries allowed us to share topics from the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute’s curriculum, Parenting for the 21st Century which teaches any person raising children, how to become a Premium Parent. Parenting for the 21st Century is a TOOB (or Teach Out of the Box) curriculum that provides, detailed, practical guidance for parents in today’s world.

One workshop was titled “How Do We Transmit Higher Values to Our Children?” And again we were powerfully reminded that most people who care for children want to raise them in healthy ways.  That is why the main premise of Parenting for the 21^st Century is: Parents (and other childcare providers) can raise caring, conscientious, industrious children and they can become Premium Parents™, a term coined by the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute for parents who are committed and empowered with healthy parenting skills.  The dictionary defines premium as an adjective that means “of very high quality or higher than normal.”  Below, we list the eight principles of Premium Parenting™.

Premium Parents™ are parents or chlidcare providers who:

1. Consciously, intentionally conceive and/or raise children who will be caring, conscientious servant leaders;
2. Exemplify and model the behavior they want from their children
3. Are truthful, compassionate, clean and self-disciplined
4. Realize a serious responsibility for all the children who come into their environment
5. Show genuine affection to their children and others
6. Are very aware of their connection to Life and other living beings and therefore feel the urge to serve and respect that life
7. See their children as belonging to God or something greater than themselves and therefore recognize that they are “stewards”
8. Raise their children in a wholistic manner, giving care and attention to nurturing their bodies, their minds and their souls.

Premium Parents™ generate resiliency in children, giving them the ability to weather the ups and downs of life in healthy, growth-enhancing ways.

Order the complete curriculum and find more details about this comprehensive course.

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A few days ago, I officiated at a wedding where the couple had different religious practices.  In my marriage talk, I spoke about the pitfalls and promises inherent in any marriage and I addressed some of the things people can do to shore up or save their marriage.  I talked about the purpose of marriage and what it means to children, adults and society in general.  After the ceremony, many people approached me to thank me.  “Your talk covered everything,” one guest said, “I’d like to get a copy of the dvd.”  A couple of people quietly confided that their own marriages were in trouble, deep trouble and requested the assistance of our agency, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute.

Is wedded bliss an oxymoron?   Some people say it is.  They say that marriage and bliss generally don’t go together.  For those who need a refresher:  an oxymoron is an apparent contradiction, a pairing of two things that don’t mix or match.    At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we say that wedded bliss is not an oxymoron.  When people get married, can they expect happiness or joy?  We say emphatically yes!

But there are some conditions:

1.  The couple should get premarital relationship education or counseling, at least 10-12 hours of it.  These relationship education sessions should be comprehensive, covering, the baggage we bring from our families of origin, financial matters, parenting, goal-setting, communication, conflict-resolution, values clarification, realistic expectations and more.

OR, if you are already married, you should spend the time and resources to get marriage enrichment.  You can take marriage education classes or workshops, attend couple retreats, read or view relationship/marriage books, articles and DVDs.

2.  The two people should understand that marriage is a life-long commitment.

3.  The two people should get the blessings of elders in their families and communities.

4.  The couple should be willing to work hard on their marriage, utilizing the relationship skills/tools they’ve learned.

5.  And finally, the couple should build their marriage on at least these four fundamental spiritual principles:  Truthfulness, Compassion, Cleanliness, and Self-discipline.

All – IN – ONE MARRIAGE PREP:  75 Experts Share Tips   &                                     Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now

Co-Directors Krsnanandini and Tariq, have three articles in the book, All in ONE Marriage Prep:  75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom To Help You Get Ready Now.

This book covers marriage preparation from A-Z and from many different angles.   The 75 experts who collaborated to write will educate, inspire, empower and amuse you.  Says Melodie Tucker, Mars-Venus Success Coach, “This book is destined to become –THE- Marriage Preparation Manual.” You can pre-order your copy from this link:  http://www.allinonemarriageprep.com.

OR you can order it from our website after July 15, 2010.

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While in Columbus, the two Co-directors, Tariq and Krsnanandini had two sessions with couples where we provided marriage education.  One couple is receiving premarital classes and the other couple has been married for about seven years.  Our work with these two couples underscores the urgent need for marriage education.  How tired are you of seeing or hearing about marriage break-ups?  How disappointed and hurt are the thousands of children who see their parents fight and divorce?  What about the millions of children who are growing up in single parent homes without the benefit of a very important and necessary parent  (the absent one)?

Somewhere, somebody has to feel a responsibility to do something. And, thank God, a new consciousness is gradually emerging in our world.  That we’d better take another look at the benefits of marriage.  That some of the spiritual principles we as a community have been negligent about, are probably much more important than we have acknowledged.  The Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute is an agency that has been in existence for well over a decade. Often, we felt that we were fighting an uphill battle, yet we are committed.  Sometimes, we receive cards, letters and gifts of gratitude:  “What can we possibly give you to repay you for how you have saved our marriage?”, one couple said.   “I wish I’d had your services in my first marriage,” a lady client told us recently.

It’s been said before and you will no doubt  hear it again:  “children are best raised in a two parent household with a healthy mother and father cooperating together.”  And, there are principles on which a healthy family must be based.   For example, truthfulness, cleanliness, compassion and self-discipline.  And, it takes a community to support a marriage.  And having a deep and abiding respect for all living things promotes an atmosphere of peace and security.

“What,” you may ask, “can I do?  I’m not married or I’m married but I don’t really have a marriage to sing about myself.”  First, become educated about marriage; take a workshop or a seminar about healthy relationship skills.  Read some of the current literature about marriage such as The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher.  Give a  couple you know who is married or about to be married a gift certificate to take marriage enrichment or premarital education sessions.  Raise your boys to be good husbands and your daughters to be good wives.  This doesn’t mean they won’t do anything else like doctors, lawyers, firefighters, nurses, police officers, car mechanics or engineers.  But it does acknowledge the reality that most people will get married and most people want to get married.  What you do as a parent can ensure that when your children do marry, that they will have realistic expectations and be healthy contributors to their union as well as be able to honor their marriage commitment.

Teach boys how to clean the kitchen, how to cook, to put away their clothes and respect women.  Teach girls how to clean, cook, put away their clothes and respect themselves and others.  Teach your children to share, to have quiet time sometimes and to contribute some of their money to the household (either from gifts, allowances, or work).  Spend time teaching your children about financial matters—how to save, how to tithe, how to budget, how to write checks, what are interest rates, etc.  Show them how to talk to  and how to talk about the opposite sex by how you treat and talk about the opposite sex.  Eat dinner with your family at least once a day so that they will grow to value the time spent at the “kitchen table university”.  Mentor a child.

And pray.  Pray that somehow or other, we will have healthy family and community life.  And that we will realize what is most important in our lives before it’s too late.

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Social capital, Developmental Assets, Things that make you feel good and give you hope.   Support systems.  People you can depend on and trust and who reciprocally depend on and trust in you.   These are the intangibles, the things that you cannot buy or sell that make for a healthy and productive society.  These are the things that engender resilience in children or any person.   How do we raise children who are confident, compassionate, capable and see themselves as valued members of society?  And, if we don’t raise these kinds of children, what will be the result?  Children who are fearful, angry, and lack the internal and external resources to make good, healthy choices do not have adequate social capital.

Internal and external strengths come from healthy families.  What is a healthy family?  Does a family have to have money to produce resilient children who are contributing members in a community?  Is poverty synonymous with poor parenting?  What resources do single parents need that might be different from couples?  How do you teach values to children so that they will have good character and be more likely to make healthy choices?  What parenting style is more conducive to effectively raising decent, caring, intelligent children?  What are some keys to effective discipline and what is discipline, really?

These are some of the questions and topics we tackled recently in a workshop about Parenting and that are covered quite extensively in our newly revised Parenting for the 21st Century© curriculum, a TOOB, Teach out of the Box course.  We have compiled a series of 16 lessons and accompanying hand-outs as well all necessary documentation, including instructor-client agreement, attendance sheet, Parenting completion certificate, instructor notes and more.   It is an interactive course to empower any parent or childcare provider to become a Premium Parent, a first class participant in the healthy growth and development of his or her children.  Any Family Life Educator, social service practitioner or minister can utilize Parenting for the 21st Century to Teach right out of the package and have everything they need to instruct childcare providers from a variety of cultures or backgrounds.  We’ve taught this course to adults of all ages as well as teen parents and have received positive feedback that this Parenting for the 21st Century course is effective and empowering.  For more information contact us at info@dzfi.org.

Dear Relationship Coach,

My sister is dating someone our family suspects is abusive.   Unexplained bruises and the fact that my sister avoids most family members.  They have been together for less than a year.   She told my mom that he asked her to marry him.  None of us know anything about this guy and when we have been in his company, he appears quite possessive and demanding. We are a close-knit family and I don’t know what to do.    Do you have any suggestions?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

From your description, you may genuinely have cause for concern.Symptoms of abuse include alienation, possessiveness, irrational jealousy or unwarranted behavior.   Be supportive, reach out to your sister even when she doesn’t initiate contact.  And do so regularly.  Insist on lunch or dinner for some occasion, a birthday, perhaps, and let her know that know matter what, you and the rest of the family loves her and leave the door open for her to share.  Let her know that you have noticed bruises and her distant behavior and  that you are concerned.  Be prepared for denial, though.  Become familiar with Domestic Violence centers in your area and keep numbers and resources handy so that at any time, you will have them available.  Call your local Domestic Violence center and ask advice.  If you believe in prayer, this is a good time to cover your sister with protective prayers and meditation.

Please keep us informed.  Take care.

Your Relationship Coach

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We have so much to be thankful for…………..

As some of our readers know, the two Co-directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute are husband and wife team who have a total of 19 children and several grandchildren. Every year, for the past several years, roughly half of these 19 children, many grandchildren, my husband and I, gather at one of our homes to share Thanksgiving with each other.  We play games, watch movies, take walks, and eat good delicious meals. We have a special family ritual in which we all write down and then share with each other some of the many reasons we have to be thankful.

This Thanksgiving tradition has specifically involved the ten children that Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute Co-Director Krsnanandini gave birth too and often includes some the other 9 children as well.  Years ago, she requested that her children make a special effort to gather together for at least a few days during Thanksgiving time to appreciate the unique and wonderful family that Providence has given us.

We have so much to be thankful for……….

Emerging realizations from the past year help us to increasingly appreciate that family is so important; individuals have a built in support system when families do what they are created to do.  Elders in a family pass on healthy family traditions; parents and other adult relatives protect, provide and nourish children who grow to be contributing members of the larger society.  Extended families, consisting of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, parents and other relatives (including adoptive or foster members) along with concerned neighbors make up the village and because it is true that, “It takes a village to raise a child.”   A wholesome family is a significant part of an individual’s village.

Unfortunately, increasing technological advances have not been matched with a similar advancement in family and community life.  Extended family support systems have decreased like most people’s money these days.  And, even nuclear families, consisting of only mother, father and children are dwindling, become less visible on the social scene.   What becomes of a country when its families diminish?  When more and more children are the products of single parent homes?

At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we work with hundreds of couples, families and individuals each year to empower them with healthy relationship skills that can change the negative family paradigms (e.g. “families aren’t as important as they used to be”   “it’s individual achievement that counts”  “fathers aren’t so important in a child’s life”   “I can do bad all by myself” and on and on) into healthy, growth-enhancing ones (“Teamwork makes the dreamwork”, “what most often separates those who make it and those who don’t is a family support system”; “Healthy relationship skills and values can be learned and with such skills and values, dysfunctional families can become thriving successful ones” )

So, during this time, we are thankful for the opportunity to be agents of change; to be instruments to provide proven communication and other relationship skills — to couples before and after marriage,  to teens and others to prepare them for healthy relationships and to community groups, agencies and businesses.

To all of our readers and clients, we pray for this to be your best year yet!  May you and your families be encouraged to share kindness and pleasant times and act with spiritual principles in your daily lives.

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In today’s world, people all over the globe are experiencing tremendous stress and pressure from a variety of challenges in their relationships and in their economic, moral, spiritual, and environmental arenas. This rise in stresses has produced a concomitant rise in depression and mental illnesses. In this month’s newsletter, we examine the honeybees to see if we can learn some valuable lessons from them about how they work together to solve problems about housing, food, shelter, work and living together socially.

Consider the lifestyle, nature and characteristics of the honeybees. As very social insects, they move together like one finely tuned machine, creating a harmonious symphony of care for the entire group. Collectively, honeybees accomplish many, many tasks and contribute enormous good to human and other animal families by providing a unique foodstuff, honey, and by pollinating a large proportion of the plants and vegetables that nourish both humans and animals. The unique physical and behavioral characteristics of honeybees make it possible for them to survive as part of an interdependent colony or group.

• Honeybees are amazing insects capable of gathering flower nectar to produce honey. In a process called pollination, they transfer pollen from the male part of a plant to the female part in about 80% of the world’s vegetation, making it possible for us to have a continuous variety of fruits and vegetables. (This phenomenon shows Social Responsibility)
• Honeybees construct marvelously designed cells in their hives that are both strong and efficient. (Here we see how they are Ecological and environmental assets).
• The cells of a beehive are hexagonal (six-sided), a design that makes efficient use of space and wax. (This shows how Nature designed them to make the most of their talents and gifts)
• In a beehive, there is a clear and orderly division of labor such that three different types of bees perform all of the jobs within a hive: queen, drones and workers. (Their interactions demonstrate Cooperation and interdependence)
• A worker honeybee’s body is designed to perform many different tasks. (He utilizes Flexibility to get the job done)
• Honeybees have a well-developed form of communication that contributes to the hive’s success. (Effective communication skills).
• If a honeybee is ill or unable to perform tasks, she voluntarily leaves the hive so as not to disrupt the flow and to avoid passing the illness to others. (Sounds like sacrifice is important).

Honeybees cooperate to get their jobs done and their success means that the entire honeybee community thrives. They have a strong work and team ethic which enables them to do so much more than individual effort. No role is minimized and each bee’s performance is crucial to the success of the entire community.

The consequence of such well-balanced interactions of honeybees in their communities, is that both humans and animals have a continual supply of foods because the honeybees pollinate so many plants, thus enabling the plants to reproduce and maintain their ongoing diversity. This is social responsibility par excellence—the unconscious acceptance of a major role to benefit other living beings.

By nature, honeybees are designed to offer value to others outside of their own community. Not only honeybees, but It seems that when living beings accept their natural diets and behaviors in harmony with nature, there is a benefit to others. Similarly, this is true for human society, although many humans are neglecting so many of their natural functions. Honeybees place community development as fundamental and willingly sacrifice individual needs for that of the community. We can learn from them. Their excellent communication skills foster efficient and wholesome social and occupational interactions. Aw, if only we were more like the honeybees! We would cooperate, communicate and value each person, simultaneously caring for the needs of everyone.

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Dear Marriage Coach,

My son is dating a young lady at the university he attends. They are both in their senior year of school. They have been going together for about two years and are asking some tough questions about whether they should continue their relationship, live together or think about marriage. People tell them they are too young for marriage.  What advice would you offer?

Dear Wants Advice,

There comes a time when we must acknowledge that somehow current social trends  are not working. So many young people we are consulting with are wrestling with cohabitation versus marriage.

Here is what  many contemporary social scientists and Washington Post writer, Mark Regnerus, have to say about this topic (and he says it so well):  “The age at which a person marries never actually causes a divorce. Rather, a young age at marriage can be an indicator of an underlying immaturity and impatience with marital challenges — the kind that many of us eventually figure out how to avoid or to solve without parting.”

“Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution you enter once you think you’re fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we learn language, and to the teachable, some lessons just come easier earlier in life”. And yet today, as ever, marriage wisely entered into remains good for the economy and the community, good for one’s personal well-being, good for wealth creation and,yes, good for the environment, too. We are sending mixed messages.”

Today, there’s an even more compelling argument against delayed marriage: the economic benefits of pooling resources.”

Mr. Regnerus concludes by saying, “Married people earn more, save more and build more wealth compared with people who are single or cohabiting. (Say what you will about the benefits of cohabitation, it’s a categorically less stable arrangement, far more prone to division than marriage.) We can combine incomes while reducing expenses such as food, child care, electricity, gas and water usage. Marriage may be bourgeois, but it’s also the greenest of all social structures. Michigan State ecologists estimate that the extra households created by divorce cost the nation 73 billion kilowatt hours of electricity and more than 600 billion gallons of water in a year. That’s a mighty big carbon footprint created in the name of solitude. Marriage may not make you rich — that’s not its purpose — but a biblical proverb reveals this nifty side effect: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.”

Have your son and his friend read the above, then consider carefully. When  and if they choose to marry, encourage them to get premarital relationship skills training.

With warm regards,
Your Relationship Coach,

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