A few days ago, I officiated at a wedding where the couple had different religious practices.  In my marriage talk, I spoke about the pitfalls and promises inherent in any marriage and I addressed some of the things people can do to shore up or save their marriage.  I talked about the purpose of marriage and what it means to children, adults and society in general.  After the ceremony, many people approached me to thank me.  “Your talk covered everything,” one guest said, “I’d like to get a copy of the dvd.”  A couple of people quietly confided that their own marriages were in trouble, deep trouble and requested the assistance of our agency, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute.

Is wedded bliss an oxymoron?   Some people say it is.  They say that marriage and bliss generally don’t go together.  For those who need a refresher:  an oxymoron is an apparent contradiction, a pairing of two things that don’t mix or match.    At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we say that wedded bliss is not an oxymoron.  When people get married, can they expect happiness or joy?  We say emphatically yes!

But there are some conditions:

1.  The couple should get premarital relationship education or counseling, at least 10-12 hours of it.  These relationship education sessions should be comprehensive, covering, the baggage we bring from our families of origin, financial matters, parenting, goal-setting, communication, conflict-resolution, values clarification, realistic expectations and more.

OR, if you are already married, you should spend the time and resources to get marriage enrichment.  You can take marriage education classes or workshops, attend couple retreats, read or view relationship/marriage books, articles and DVDs.

2.  The two people should understand that marriage is a life-long commitment.

3.  The two people should get the blessings of elders in their families and communities.

4.  The couple should be willing to work hard on their marriage, utilizing the relationship skills/tools they’ve learned.

5.  And finally, the couple should build their marriage on at least these four fundamental spiritual principles:  Truthfulness, Compassion, Cleanliness, and Self-discipline.

All – IN – ONE MARRIAGE PREP:  75 Experts Share Tips   &                                     Wisdom to Help You Get Ready Now

Co-Directors Krsnanandini and Tariq, have three articles in the book, All in ONE Marriage Prep:  75 Experts Share Tips and Wisdom To Help You Get Ready Now.

This book covers marriage preparation from A-Z and from many different angles.   The 75 experts who collaborated to write will educate, inspire, empower and amuse you.  Says Melodie Tucker, Mars-Venus Success Coach, “This book is destined to become –THE- Marriage Preparation Manual.” You can pre-order your copy from this link:  http://www.allinonemarriageprep.com.

OR you can order it from our website after July 15, 2010.

2010 is a busy year for Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute.  In addition to our workshops, parenting classes and direct couple and family services,  we are part of 3 exciting writing projects, described below.   (Send an email to contact@dzfi.org if you would like to pre-order any or all of these books):

1. The Co-directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute are writing a book about marriage for children — to leave a legacy for their 19 children and for children all over the world.  The working title is:  The “M” Word:  A Book about Marriage for Our Children.“  Some of the topics included in the book are:

• What Marriage Is Not
• Choosing the Right Partner, One that will last a Lifetime
• Building Your Marriage House, One Brick at a Time
• The Spirituality Factor

The book will be published this summer.

2. The Co-directors have also been requested to contribute as two of the many featured experts in an upcoming book, Marriage–the Experts Help You Get Prepared, edited by Susanne Alexander.  This is a comprehensive anthology of marriage preparation advice from top experts in the field, including Scott Halzman, author of the Secrets of Happily Married Men and the Secrets of Happily Married Women.  The editor, Ms. Alexander is President of Marriage Transformation and author/coauthor of numerous books on marriage preparation and marriage.  This book will be available in June and can also be purchased as an e-book.

3. Finally, Co-directors, Tariq and Krsnanandini are part of a 12 author writing team who will publish a book entitled:  Heart and Soul Connections:  A guide to Love, Service and Marriage, tentative publishing date is fall, 2010.  The book will contain about 12 chapters about parenting, finance, making social contributions, communication and more.

Remember to send an email to contact@dzfi.org if you would like to pre-order any or all of these books.

Social capital, Developmental Assets, Things that make you feel good and give you hope.   Support systems.  People you can depend on and trust and who reciprocally depend on and trust in you.   These are the intangibles, the things that you cannot buy or sell that make for a healthy and productive society.  These are the things that engender resilience in children or any person.   How do we raise children who are confident, compassionate, capable and see themselves as valued members of society?  And, if we don’t raise these kinds of children, what will be the result?  Children who are fearful, angry, and lack the internal and external resources to make good, healthy choices do not have adequate social capital.

Internal and external strengths come from healthy families.  What is a healthy family?  Does a family have to have money to produce resilient children who are contributing members in a community?  Is poverty synonymous with poor parenting?  What resources do single parents need that might be different from couples?  How do you teach values to children so that they will have good character and be more likely to make healthy choices?  What parenting style is more conducive to effectively raising decent, caring, intelligent children?  What are some keys to effective discipline and what is discipline, really?

These are some of the questions and topics we tackled recently in a workshop about Parenting and that are covered quite extensively in our newly revised Parenting for the 21st Century© curriculum, a TOOB, Teach out of the Box course.  We have compiled a series of 16 lessons and accompanying hand-outs as well all necessary documentation, including instructor-client agreement, attendance sheet, Parenting completion certificate, instructor notes and more.   It is an interactive course to empower any parent or childcare provider to become a Premium Parent, a first class participant in the healthy growth and development of his or her children.  Any Family Life Educator, social service practitioner or minister can utilize Parenting for the 21st Century to Teach right out of the package and have everything they need to instruct childcare providers from a variety of cultures or backgrounds.  We’ve taught this course to adults of all ages as well as teen parents and have received positive feedback that this Parenting for the 21st Century course is effective and empowering.  For more information contact us at info@dzfi.org.

Dear Relationship Coach,

My sister is dating someone our family suspects is abusive.   Unexplained bruises and the fact that my sister avoids most family members.  They have been together for less than a year.   She told my mom that he asked her to marry him.  None of us know anything about this guy and when we have been in his company, he appears quite possessive and demanding. We are a close-knit family and I don’t know what to do.    Do you have any suggestions?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

From your description, you may genuinely have cause for concern.Symptoms of abuse include alienation, possessiveness, irrational jealousy or unwarranted behavior.   Be supportive, reach out to your sister even when she doesn’t initiate contact.  And do so regularly.  Insist on lunch or dinner for some occasion, a birthday, perhaps, and let her know that know matter what, you and the rest of the family loves her and leave the door open for her to share.  Let her know that you have noticed bruises and her distant behavior and  that you are concerned.  Be prepared for denial, though.  Become familiar with Domestic Violence centers in your area and keep numbers and resources handy so that at any time, you will have them available.  Call your local Domestic Violence center and ask advice.  If you believe in prayer, this is a good time to cover your sister with protective prayers and meditation.

Please keep us informed.  Take care.

Your Relationship Coach

We have so much to be thankful for…………..

As some of our readers know, the two Co-directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute are husband and wife team who have a total of 19 children and several grandchildren. Every year, for the past several years, roughly half of these 19 children, many grandchildren, my husband and I, gather at one of our homes to share Thanksgiving with each other.  We play games, watch movies, take walks, and eat good delicious meals. We have a special family ritual in which we all write down and then share with each other some of the many reasons we have to be thankful.

This Thanksgiving tradition has specifically involved the ten children that Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute Co-Director Krsnanandini gave birth too and often includes some the other 9 children as well.  Years ago, she requested that her children make a special effort to gather together for at least a few days during Thanksgiving time to appreciate the unique and wonderful family that Providence has given us.

We have so much to be thankful for……….

Emerging realizations from the past year help us to increasingly appreciate that family is so important; individuals have a built in support system when families do what they are created to do.  Elders in a family pass on healthy family traditions; parents and other adult relatives protect, provide and nourish children who grow to be contributing members of the larger society.  Extended families, consisting of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, parents and other relatives (including adoptive or foster members) along with concerned neighbors make up the village and because it is true that, “It takes a village to raise a child.”   A wholesome family is a significant part of an individual’s village.

Unfortunately, increasing technological advances have not been matched with a similar advancement in family and community life.  Extended family support systems have decreased like most people’s money these days.  And, even nuclear families, consisting of only mother, father and children are dwindling, become less visible on the social scene.   What becomes of a country when its families diminish?  When more and more children are the products of single parent homes?

At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we work with hundreds of couples, families and individuals each year to empower them with healthy relationship skills that can change the negative family paradigms (e.g. “families aren’t as important as they used to be”   “it’s individual achievement that counts”  “fathers aren’t so important in a child’s life”   “I can do bad all by myself” and on and on) into healthy, growth-enhancing ones (“Teamwork makes the dreamwork”, “what most often separates those who make it and those who don’t is a family support system”; “Healthy relationship skills and values can be learned and with such skills and values, dysfunctional families can become thriving successful ones” )

So, during this time, we are thankful for the opportunity to be agents of change; to be instruments to provide proven communication and other relationship skills — to couples before and after marriage,  to teens and others to prepare them for healthy relationships and to community groups, agencies and businesses.

To all of our readers and clients, we pray for this to be your best year yet!  May you and your families be encouraged to share kindness and pleasant times and act with spiritual principles in your daily lives.

In today’s world, people all over the globe are experiencing tremendous stress and pressure from a variety of challenges in their relationships and in their economic, moral, spiritual, and environmental arenas. This rise in stresses has produced a concomitant rise in depression and mental illnesses. In this month’s newsletter, we examine the honeybees to see if we can learn some valuable lessons from them about how they work together to solve problems about housing, food, shelter, work and living together socially.

Consider the lifestyle, nature and characteristics of the honeybees. As very social insects, they move together like one finely tuned machine, creating a harmonious symphony of care for the entire group. Collectively, honeybees accomplish many, many tasks and contribute enormous good to human and other animal families by providing a unique foodstuff, honey, and by pollinating a large proportion of the plants and vegetables that nourish both humans and animals. The unique physical and behavioral characteristics of honeybees make it possible for them to survive as part of an interdependent colony or group.

• Honeybees are amazing insects capable of gathering flower nectar to produce honey. In a process called pollination, they transfer pollen from the male part of a plant to the female part in about 80% of the world’s vegetation, making it possible for us to have a continuous variety of fruits and vegetables. (This phenomenon shows Social Responsibility)
• Honeybees construct marvelously designed cells in their hives that are both strong and efficient. (Here we see how they are Ecological and environmental assets).
• The cells of a beehive are hexagonal (six-sided), a design that makes efficient use of space and wax. (This shows how Nature designed them to make the most of their talents and gifts)
• In a beehive, there is a clear and orderly division of labor such that three different types of bees perform all of the jobs within a hive: queen, drones and workers. (Their interactions demonstrate Cooperation and interdependence)
• A worker honeybee’s body is designed to perform many different tasks. (He utilizes Flexibility to get the job done)
• Honeybees have a well-developed form of communication that contributes to the hive’s success. (Effective communication skills).
• If a honeybee is ill or unable to perform tasks, she voluntarily leaves the hive so as not to disrupt the flow and to avoid passing the illness to others. (Sounds like sacrifice is important).

Honeybees cooperate to get their jobs done and their success means that the entire honeybee community thrives. They have a strong work and team ethic which enables them to do so much more than individual effort. No role is minimized and each bee’s performance is crucial to the success of the entire community.

The consequence of such well-balanced interactions of honeybees in their communities, is that both humans and animals have a continual supply of foods because the honeybees pollinate so many plants, thus enabling the plants to reproduce and maintain their ongoing diversity. This is social responsibility par excellence—the unconscious acceptance of a major role to benefit other living beings.

By nature, honeybees are designed to offer value to others outside of their own community. Not only honeybees, but It seems that when living beings accept their natural diets and behaviors in harmony with nature, there is a benefit to others. Similarly, this is true for human society, although many humans are neglecting so many of their natural functions. Honeybees place community development as fundamental and willingly sacrifice individual needs for that of the community. We can learn from them. Their excellent communication skills foster efficient and wholesome social and occupational interactions. Aw, if only we were more like the honeybees! We would cooperate, communicate and value each person, simultaneously caring for the needs of everyone.

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Dear Marriage Coach,

My son is dating a young lady at the university he attends. They are both in their senior year of school. They have been going together for about two years and are asking some tough questions about whether they should continue their relationship, live together or think about marriage. People tell them they are too young for marriage.  What advice would you offer?

Dear Wants Advice,

There comes a time when we must acknowledge that somehow current social trends  are not working. So many young people we are consulting with are wrestling with cohabitation versus marriage.

Here is what  many contemporary social scientists and Washington Post writer, Mark Regnerus, have to say about this topic (and he says it so well):  “The age at which a person marries never actually causes a divorce. Rather, a young age at marriage can be an indicator of an underlying immaturity and impatience with marital challenges — the kind that many of us eventually figure out how to avoid or to solve without parting.”

“Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution you enter once you think you’re fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we learn language, and to the teachable, some lessons just come easier earlier in life”. And yet today, as ever, marriage wisely entered into remains good for the economy and the community, good for one’s personal well-being, good for wealth creation and,yes, good for the environment, too. We are sending mixed messages.”

Today, there’s an even more compelling argument against delayed marriage: the economic benefits of pooling resources.”

Mr. Regnerus concludes by saying, “Married people earn more, save more and build more wealth compared with people who are single or cohabiting. (Say what you will about the benefits of cohabitation, it’s a categorically less stable arrangement, far more prone to division than marriage.) We can combine incomes while reducing expenses such as food, child care, electricity, gas and water usage. Marriage may be bourgeois, but it’s also the greenest of all social structures. Michigan State ecologists estimate that the extra households created by divorce cost the nation 73 billion kilowatt hours of electricity and more than 600 billion gallons of water in a year. That’s a mighty big carbon footprint created in the name of solitude. Marriage may not make you rich — that’s not its purpose — but a biblical proverb reveals this nifty side effect: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.”

Have your son and his friend read the above, then consider carefully. When  and if they choose to marry, encourage them to get premarital relationship skills training.

With warm regards,
Your Relationship Coach,

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Booklet of 8s

“My mother has never been a religious person,” said Wes, a pleasant, articulate young man we met recently at a local Health Center. “In fact, she avoided anything spiritual. But when she read your Booklet of 8s, she told me that this little book changed her life.” The young man proceeded to purchase two more Booklet of 8s (a concise guide to spiritual or principled living). The book contains spiritual gems in seed form to inspire and motivate you on your upward life journey. Order your copy today by clicking on this link:  Booklet of 8s

Monday-Thursday, August 10-13, 2009 — Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute’s Co-Directors will present a two day training in Healthy Relationships in Washington D.C. They will facilitate two workshops:   Avoiding Addictive Relationships:  Making Healthy Choices and will also offer premarital relationship skill building to couples in the D.C. area;

Wednesday, August 19, 2009 — A YOUTH OCCASION – Teen-agers, young adults and their parents come together at the Cleveland Heights Public Library; 2345 Lee Road, Cleveland Heights, OH 44118 from 6:30 – 8:30 p.m. — for open honest conversations about:  choosing friends, healthy relationships, resolving conflicts in positive ways, being real about sexual issues, things we do that affect us for a lifetime, what do we need to know when we first get to college or back to high school and what parents can do to help their older teens and young adults navigate the transition to adulthood.  There will be a youth panel discussion, refreshments, prizes and more!

Thursday, August 20, 2009 Giving Hope:  Teaching Your clients to Value Healthy Relationship Skillbuilding: A Workshop presented by the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute at the annual Urban Minority Alcohol & Drug Addiction Outreach Prevention (UMADAOP) conference, a two day event, held this year in Cleveland, OH.

Saturday, August 22, 2009 — Present “Marriage Talk” in Columbus, OH and facilitate a Healthy Relationship workshop on Sunday, 23, 2009 giving practical relationship skills and techniques.

Before we get into some exciting news, we’d like to tell you about an upcoming event. Co-directors Krsnanandini and Tariq will be featured guests on the monthly Parents Tool Talk Internet radio show on Friday, July 10, 2009 at Noon EST. You can listen to the show LIVE on the Internet at the Parents Tool Talk web site.

The Booklet of Eights is here!

Click to view larger.

With a beautiful cover and thought-provoking insights, this concise guide to spiritual living is destined to inspire and motivate. Written by Co-Director of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, Krsnanandini Devi Dasi, The Booklet of Eights has 8 chapters: 8 Universal Spiritual Laws, 8 Steps to Self-Discipline, 8 Principles of Prosperity, 8 Rules for Effective, Meaningful Discussions, 8 signs of a Healthy Male-Female Relationship, 8 Tips for Successful Parenting, 8 Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior and 8 Books to Read to Enhance Your Life.

In one small book, you get so many practical, helpful ideas.

• Buy The Booklet of Eights or any of our eBooks in our Lulu.com store.

Here’s why we wrote this book:

People are so busy today! Often, we feel we don’t have enough time to read books about relationships, spirituality, self development, or other mentally rejuvenating topics as much as we would like. If we attend a workshop or seminar, frequently time seems to run out before we can fully explore the subject matter

It was after one such workshop in which we facilitated a Healthy Relationship session, that one of our staff members implored us to create a series of succinct books that would contain many of the gems we discuss in our workshops and in our conference presentations.

She told us that many people would appreciate such condensed insights because they delve into the essence of who we are and would connect a person to his or her real self even when that person seems so externally busy. The gifts found in The Booklet of Eights help us to reflect on how to live healthier, more productive and satisfying lives.

Therefore, in these pages, the reader will find seeds that, when thoughtfully planted, will sprout their own growth enhancing insights and realizations about life, parenting, healthy communication, spirituality and more. The Booklet of Eights is designed to motivate you to look inwardly, find your humanity and beyond that, discover your soul.

Each step, each principle or tip is meant to act as a catalyst to get your higher energies flowing and to empower you to keep growing, expanding and connecting. We encourage you to meditate on or study daily at least one of the eight topics discussed in this book.

Take just 8 minutes a day to study one or all of the 8 short chapters with its 8 points. Your ability to understand and find solutions to many of the challenges in your life will increase after you reflect on and unpack these sixty-four considerations.

The Actions of Love

How do we know when we are loved? How do we know when we love someone? What distinguishes love from infatuation? This month in this newsletter, we identify 12 actions that, put together, add up to love. Too many people are confused and accept abuse, infatuation or lust as love. So, let’s be clear about the actions that indicate you are loved.

You may have probably heard that Love is a verb. It is an active principle of life. You know you are loved when the loved one:

1. Protects
2. Shares
3. Honors
4. Serves
5. Gives
6. Empathizes
7. Respects
8. Supports
9. Remembers
10. Appreciates
11. Sacrifices and
12. Encourages YOU

And you know that you love someone when you experience the strong desire to do the same, to protect, share with, honor, serve, give to, empathize with, respect, support, remember, sacrifice for and encourage that person. Try to think about how you interact with someone you love. Do you behave in the ways mentioned above?

• Order a copy of The Booklet of 8s in our Lulu.com store. This concise guide to spiritual living is full of nuggets and seeds to prompt your personal growth.  It offers simple yet powerful ways to access and develop your strengths.
• We are at the halfway mark (5th class) of presenting our S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course. This is a comprehensive, interactive course that delves into many aspects of the S.E.L.F from past to present. Feedback of our participants, indicates that this course is timely, practical, fun and much needed!   We will be presenting the S.E.L.F. course again in the fall.  Registration will open in July.  Get ready for an experience that will enliven, elevate and empower you as you invest in the ten classes of DZFI’s S.E.LF course.
• Co-Directors travel to North Carolina for family conference at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, June 16-18, 2009.

June ‘09 DZFI Monthly Newsletter: Family is a way of feeling

Family is a way of feeling; a myriad of emotions are evoked by the activities, sacrifices and memories that occur in a family:  love, joy, sadness, hope, pride and more.  Family is a way of loving; we love our children who love their children; we love our parents and cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and grandchildren.  Most of the time, this love causes us to share, to give, to believe, to work for, and to model good behavior.   When things go wrong family can evoke fear, sadness and hurt.

Family is this very important thing that binds people together in a network of relationships that span generations and over time and space.   Is it, as the dictionary tells us —  just a group of people living together and functioning as a single household, or, a group of people who are closely related by birth, marriage, or adoption? Or does your family fit this definition:  a group whose members are related in origin, characteristics or occupation?  Whatever the family you identify with, at Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute we provide tools and techniques for healthy family development and skills for successful, productive relationships.  Remember, families are the springboards from which we all dive into life.  Healthy families are the barometers for healthy communities.

Today there is an urgent necessity to support and create marriages and families that are wholesome. Without such urgency, we will continue to see juvenile delinquency, unwed teen mothers, truancy and mental illness proliferate in society at higher and higher rates.

There are things we can do.  We can teach young people healthy relationship skills.  We can insist that those who marry first get premarital relationship skill-building or counseling.  We can support marriages by setting good examples, offering good advice and providing whatever other support is required.  We can unashamedly declare that good marriages are important and necessary — and that they are crucial to raising healthy children.  And while there are many valiant single parents whom we applaud and honor, a strong, healthy marriage is best for children, with both parents — mother and father cooperating together.

For those already married, we can encourage them to go to marriage retreats, workshops and other activities to enhance and enrich their relationships. There are skills such as communication, conflict resolution, goal setting and values clarification, and financial management, that can be learned and commitments that can be made that will increase the number of healthy families. We can discourage divorce. Because while divorce does not guarantee happiness or improved circumstances, it almost always leaves abandoned, neglected or confused children and women struggling to maintain families.

Here is what La Grande Mason, a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, says in a recent LA Watts Times article,  “children raised in two-parent families are less likely to get involved with gangs or drugs and are more likely to go to college and have successful marriages themselves. His wife, Sonja, a school Administrator, adds that “life expectancy is longer for married people and financial situations are better. She saw firsthand how divorce damages children. “We¹ve seen some students that were really well behaved and self-motivated,” she said. “All of a sudden mom and dad split up, and they kind of get lost in the shuffle.” Mrs. Mason said she¹s “not advocating for parents to stay together only because of their children. It¹s important, however, for parents to try to save their marriages by learning how to effectively communicate and remembering what attracted them to their mates in the first place.”

At Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, we want to push the idea that healthy families, two parent families, should be one of the greatest priorities of our time. As an ancient proverb tells us: “the ruins of a nation begins in the homes of its people.” Similarly, the well being of a society begins in its families. Together, we can work to make such well-being a reality.

1. Giving gifts with love, thoughtfulness and generosity
2. Accepting gifts with sincere gratitude
3. Offering food with love
4. Accepting food with love
5. Revealing one’s mind confidentially
6. Hearing and receiving with respect and appreciation

Mutuality and reciprocation are key in these loving exchanges. In our big family, we had an uncle who was the soul of generosity and was always giving gifts or doing favors for his relatives. Yet, it was very difficult for him to accept gifts and services; Eventually these one-sided exchanges took their toll on his relationships so much so that he began to think of himself as the Benevolent One or Benefactor, dispensing money, gifts and other resources to others who then always looked to him as the supplier. Over time, resentment built up –- on both sides — when he was unable to give or didn’t want to give, family members neglected him and he resented their attitudes. So it is very important that loving exchanges are reciprocated.

Rupa Goswami, the wise man mentioned above, also defined real love as devotional service—where one serves his/her beloved with a devoted and favorable attitude. We think this is a great definition because it combines the two fundamental parts of love: devotion (attitude) and service (action). In other words, love is a verb because it indicates action and state of being.

Think about it, how often have you sat down to a good meal, prepared by one or the other of your family or friends and neglected to really appreciate the cook for his or her efforts. When a good, tasty nutritious meal is offered to you, don’t take it for granted. Take the time to express your gratitude and sometimes even mention details, “The way that sauce mixed with the broccoli was a taster’s delight, mom.”

Little, thoughtful comments such as this are significant in increasing the level of satisfaction in your relationships. Blaise Pascal, a French philosopher said, “Little things console us because little things afflict us.” So, even little things, like appreciating a good meal, can positively impact a relationship.

In his book, the Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman, author, gives a good case for the fact that each person has a love language, a way that they show their love and a filter through which they receive love. He mentions five primary “love languages”:

1. Some experience love when they receive gifts
2. Some demonstrate their love through sharing quality time
3. Some say words of affirmation, complimenting or encouraging their loved ones
4. Others offer their love through physical or intimate touch
5. And still others express their love by acts of service

Try to figure out the love language that your friends and family members speak and then apply these love languages to the six activities of loving exchanges.

Dasi-Ziyad Family institute recommends that you assess your exchanges or interactions with those you care about. Evaluate how often you give and receive gifts from your loved ones. (Picture your three year old with sticky fingers offering you some portion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he made himself. Will you accept it with a smile or run the other way to avoid the stickiness?) Consider the painful memories that a friend shared with you confidentially. Will you honor and respect that confidence? Or will you tell others what your friend shared, disregarding the confidential nature of your conversation?

Relationships when nurtured by these six loving exchanges, are what keeps us inspired, hopeful, motivated and encouraged.

Dear Relationship Coach,

My parents do not want me to even think about marrying the man I love. He is from another culture and he is a genuinely good person. Right now I am living with my parents and our home environment is a tense one. I have my bachelor’s degree and am not working. The man I want to marry is also unemployed and he is trying to figure out if he should return to school or get a job. Please tell me how I can get my parents to step back and let me make my own choices.

Sorry in Seattle

Dear Sorry,

You don’t tell your age but I would guess you are 24-27. It seems that you are very dependent on your parents and this may be why they are so concerned about your choice. How will your future husband care for you and himself? Most conscientious, sober parents want the best for their children and your parents are probably no exception.

Our suggestion is that you and your friend remove some of the minuses from your relationship equation: He should get a job or the skills to get one; You do the same and perhaps consider showing your parents how you can take care of yourself by obtaining employment and an apartment. When your parents see the serious efforts you both are making to be able to live independently, they may be able to reconsider the marriage.

Please also consider finding a marriage/family educator or counselor who can provide premarital relationship skill-building sessions to you. Some churches, temples and community centers may offer these relationship services for little or no cost.

Take care,

Your Relationship Coach

This is such a time for many in our circle and we are sharing the following with the express hope that our readers may be touched and encouraged.

One of the most painful circumstances is observing the deterioration of a beloved mother or father.  In our case, our mother, diagnosed with bipolar illness is a spiritual warrior who somehow got wounded on the battlefield. 

She now needs one or more of her children to act as guardian of her person and her estate.  She bears little resemblance to the mother who exemplified a love for reading, a respect and appreciation for all people, who strongly had the courage of her convictions and who stood in the front to fight for the rights of others.  She trained us about God and why it is important to live a principled life.   She made the lives of her children interesting and fun.  She taught us how to cook, to clean and to take care of ourselves so that most of us now teach the same to our children and grandchildren.

So it is not without great sadness that my siblings and I must now make so many decisions for her best interests.  Over the past five years, we have agonized over what to do and how to allow our mother as much independence as possible.  And, it took us a long, long time to collectively acknowledge her mental issues.  But I am grateful that in spite of intense challenges, we are still working as a team.  Healthy families pull together in tough times;  They use their relationship skills to grow and connect with each other and make choices for the benefit of all in the family.

Observing a Friend’s Departure

In the friendship arena, we have a friend who is in the process of dying.  After doctors, surgeons and physical therapists have done all they could do, he is now home with his devoted wife.  Our friend’s terminal illness was diagnosed about two years ago and there were clouds of optimism and hope and periods where he seemed to be doing better.

Gradually at first and now rapidly, his memory and strength are decreasing.  This couple, both of whom are colleagues of ours, do similar work in the marriage and family strengthening field.  We have done workshops together, presented at the SmartMarriages conference together and generally supported each other in this work.

Three things stand out during this time: 

1.  A recent Appreciation gathering for our friend held at a local community center brought scores of friends, relatives and well-wishers to “give him his flowers” while he is still with us;   He got the opportunity to see so many people who cared about him in one setting. The gathering was reminiscent of a poem we frequently recite:

“Don’t be afraid of Good-bye.  Departing is necessary for those who meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are friends.” (Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull).

2.  This husband and wife team has thoroughly discussed how his death will affect the family, what things need to be done, his will, the financial situation after he’s gone and how the husband would like to have his memorial service.  This is special because most of us avoid these kinds of very important discussions.  It’s as though we think that by not talking about death—we will somehow avoid it.  Their strong spiritual foundation has been an anchor and a beacon of light and has permitted him to face death with courage.  Bravely, often with tears, our friends talked about his death so that his wife, friends and family will have less of a burden when he finally departs.

3.  They have written a few books about healthy relationships and it is really inspirational to see them utilize  a lot of the skills they wrote about during these last few challenging months.

Dear Relationship Coach,

I’ve written you before and hope you don’t mind another question from me.  We, my husband, two children and I recently moved into a small apartment after we had to give up the large, expensive house we were leasing.  Right now, everyone seems frustrated and closed in and I am at a loss how to deal with this.  Please help!

Shrinking

Dear Shrinking,

Right now, many, many families are experiencing economic challenges that is causing them to downsize and eliminate some not so necessary expenses.  Before you made this move, did you and your husband talk to the children and inform them why you had to make this big change?  If not, you and he should talk, then have a family meeting.  Discuss things that you could do together that would help ease the tension.  Talk about the old house.

Maybe the children and you, the adults need to acknowledge the disappointment you feel about having to leave your comfortable house and neighborhood for a smaller apartment.  If your children are old enough (7 and up), share some of the financial situation that caused you to have to make the move. 

Now is a good time to play games, take walks and do family activities that cause closeness.  Talk about how special each one is and share the special things that each family member contributes to the household.  Plan regular weekly family meetings and/or get togethers.  Are the children feeling alienation in a new location?   Sometimes time itself will help you all adjust — just be patient and creative.

Your Relationship Coach

What’s Happening at DZFI?

The first class for the S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course will be held May 7, 2009 at a church in Cleveland Heights, Ohio.  Click here for more information and to register for the S.E.L.F. Healthy Relationship Course.