Posted: May 15th, 2009
Even in ordinary dealings, business people share exchanges such as eating meals together, having discussions and giving gifts. In healthy relationships, loving exchanges are the essence of connectivity. Over 500 hundred years ago, a wonderful saintly and scholarly gentleman, Srila Rupa Goswami, in his book, The Nectar of Devotion, delineated the following six primary loving exchanges between people who care about each other:
- Giving gifts with love, thoughtfulness and generosity
- Accepting gifts with sincere gratitude
- Offering food with love
- Accepting food with love
- Revealing one’s mind confidentially
- Hearing and receiving with respect and appreciation
Mutuality and reciprocation are key in these loving exchanges. In our big family, we had an uncle who was the soul of generosity and was always giving gifts or doing favors for his relatives. Yet, it was very difficult for him to accept gifts and services; Eventually these one-sided exchanges took their toll on his relationships so much so that he began to think of himself as the Benevolent One or Benefactor, dispensing money, gifts and other resources to others who then always looked to him as the supplier. Over time, resentment built up –- on both sides — when he was unable to give or didn’t want to give, family members neglected him and he resented their attitudes. So it is very important that loving exchanges are reciprocated.
Rupa Goswami, the wise man mentioned above, also defined real love as devotional service—where one serves his/her beloved with a devoted and favorable attitude. We think this is a great definition because it combines the two fundamental parts of love: devotion (attitude) and service (action). In other words, love is a verb because it indicates action and state of being.
Think about it, how often have you sat down to a good meal, prepared by one or the other of your family or friends and neglected to really appreciate the cook for his or her efforts. When a good, tasty nutritious meal is offered to you, don’t take it for granted. Take the time to express your gratitude and sometimes even mention details, “The way that sauce mixed with the broccoli was a taster’s delight, mom.”
Little, thoughtful comments such as this are significant in increasing the level of satisfaction in your relationships. Blaise Pascal, a French philosopher said, “Little things console us because little things afflict us.” So, even little things, like appreciating a good meal, can positively impact a relationship.
In his book, the Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman, author, gives a good case for the fact that each person has a love language, a way that they show their love and a filter through which they receive love. He mentions five primary “love languages”:
- Some experience love when they receive gifts
- Some demonstrate their love through sharing quality time
- Some say words of affirmation, complimenting or encouraging their loved ones
- Others offer their love through physical or intimate touch
- And still others express their love by acts of service
Try to figure out the love language that your friends and family members speak and then apply these love languages to the six activities of loving exchanges.
Dasi-Ziyad Family institute recommends that you assess your exchanges or interactions with those you care about. Evaluate how often you give and receive gifts from your loved ones. (Picture your three year old with sticky fingers offering you some portion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he made himself. Will you accept it with a smile or run the other way to avoid the stickiness?) Consider the painful memories that a friend shared with you confidentially. Will you honor and respect that confidence? Or will you tell others what your friend shared, disregarding the confidential nature of your conversation?
Relationships when nurtured by these six loving exchanges, are what keeps us inspired, hopeful, motivated and encouraged.
Dear Relationship Coach,
My parents do not want me to even think about marrying the man I love. He is from another culture and he is a genuinely good person. Right now I am living with my parents and our home environment is a tense one. I have my bachelor’s degree and am not working. The man I want to marry is also unemployed and he is trying to figure out if he should return to school or get a job. Please tell me how I can get my parents to step back and let me make my own choices.
Sorry in Seattle
Dear Sorry,
You don’t tell your age but I would guess you are 24-27. It seems that you are very dependent on your parents and this may be why they are so concerned about your choice. How will your future husband care for you and himself? Most conscientious, sober parents want the best for their children and your parents are probably no exception.
Our suggestion is that you and your friend remove some of the minuses from your relationship equation: He should get a job or the skills to get one; You do the same and perhaps consider showing your parents how you can take care of yourself by obtaining employment and an apartment. When your parents see the serious efforts you both are making to be able to live independently, they may be able to reconsider the marriage.
Please also consider finding a marriage/family educator or counselor who can provide premarital relationship skill-building sessions to you. Some churches, temples and community centers may offer these relationship services for little or no cost.
Take care,
Your Relationship Coach
