Posted: April 7th, 2009
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, good intentions and positive relationship skills, we will experience sadness.
This is such a time for many in our circle and we are sharing the following with the express hope that our readers may be touched and encouraged.
One of the most painful circumstances is observing the deterioration of a beloved mother or father. In our case, our mother, diagnosed with bipolar illness is a spiritual warrior who somehow got wounded on the battlefield.
She now needs one or more of her children to act as guardian of her person and her estate. She bears little resemblance to the mother who exemplified a love for reading, a respect and appreciation for all people, who strongly had the courage of her convictions and who stood in the front to fight for the rights of others. She trained us about God and why it is important to live a principled life. She made the lives of her children interesting and fun. She taught us how to cook, to clean and to take care of ourselves so that most of us now teach the same to our children and grandchildren.
So it is not without great sadness that my siblings and I must now make so many decisions for her best interests. Over the past five years, we have agonized over what to do and how to allow our mother as much independence as possible. And, it took us a long, long time to collectively acknowledge her mental issues. But I am grateful that in spite of intense challenges, we are still working as a team. Healthy families pull together in tough times; They use their relationship skills to grow and connect with each other and make choices for the benefit of all in the family.
Observing a Friend’s Departure
In the friendship arena, we have a friend who is in the process of dying. After doctors, surgeons and physical therapists have done all they could do, he is now home with his devoted wife. Our friend’s terminal illness was diagnosed about two years ago and there were clouds of optimism and hope and periods where he seemed to be doing better.
Gradually at first and now rapidly, his memory and strength are decreasing. This couple, both of whom are colleagues of ours, do similar work in the marriage and family strengthening field. We have done workshops together, presented at the SmartMarriages conference together and generally supported each other in this work.
Three things stand out during this time:
1. A recent Appreciation gathering for our friend held at a local community center brought scores of friends, relatives and well-wishers to “give him his flowers” while he is still with us; He got the opportunity to see so many people who cared about him in one setting. The gathering was reminiscent of a poem we frequently recite:
“Don’t be afraid of Good-bye. Departing is necessary for those who meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are friends.” (Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull).
2. This husband and wife team has thoroughly discussed how his death will affect the family, what things need to be done, his will, the financial situation after he’s gone and how the husband would like to have his memorial service. This is special because most of us avoid these kinds of very important discussions. It’s as though we think that by not talking about death—we will somehow avoid it. Their strong spiritual foundation has been an anchor and a beacon of light and has permitted him to face death with courage. Bravely, often with tears, our friends talked about his death so that his wife, friends and family will have less of a burden when he finally departs.
3. They have written a few books about healthy relationships and it is really inspirational to see them utilize a lot of the skills they wrote about during these last few challenging months.
Dear Relationship Coach,
I’ve written you before and hope you don’t mind another question from me. We, my husband, two children and I recently moved into a small apartment after we had to give up the large, expensive house we were leasing. Right now, everyone seems frustrated and closed in and I am at a loss how to deal with this. Please help!
Shrinking
Dear Shrinking,
Right now, many, many families are experiencing economic challenges that is causing them to downsize and eliminate some not so necessary expenses. Before you made this move, did you and your husband talk to the children and inform them why you had to make this big change? If not, you and he should talk, then have a family meeting. Discuss things that you could do together that would help ease the tension. Talk about the old house.
Maybe the children and you, the adults need to acknowledge the disappointment you feel about having to leave your comfortable house and neighborhood for a smaller apartment. If your children are old enough (7 and up), share some of the financial situation that caused you to have to make the move.
Now is a good time to play games, take walks and do family activities that cause closeness. Talk about how special each one is and share the special things that each family member contributes to the household. Plan regular weekly family meetings and/or get togethers. Are the children feeling alienation in a new location? Sometimes time itself will help you all adjust — just be patient and creative.
Your Relationship Coach
What’s Happening at DZFI?
The first class for the S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course will be held May 7, 2009 at a church in Cleveland Heights, Ohio. Click here for more information and to register for the S.E.L.F. Healthy Relationship Course.
