Posted: March 15th, 2009
Commitment. Cooperation. Conflict Resolution. Communication. Appreciation. Goal-setting. Values Clarification. Financial Planning. Forgiveness. Patience. Turning Complaints Into Requests. Reflective Listening.
These invaluable skills and relationship tools go with healthy relationships like the sunshine with the sun. All relationships, between parent and child, between friend and friend, between husband and wife and others, require these skills for successful and healthy interactions.
What happens when these skills are not known or utilized?
A case study: Sometime ago, a former client called us with a calm voice that belied her predicament. Having exhausted every legal stalling tactic she could muster, she was being evicted/foreclosed from her beautiful house in an upscale suburb. She contacted the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute and some of our staff went to lend emotional support and strong backs.
While there, as sheriff’s deputies and other friends were packing and moving her furniture, papers, books, appliances and other family items, our former client wondered aloud: “If only he (her estranged husband) had not been so vindictive. If only, I hadn’t been so overly optimistic that I would get that last minute reprieve.” Then, perhaps, she and her four children would not have been subjected to that heart-wrenching trauma and that sudden, devastating move. Once again, we experienced the truism that broken families, unhealthy relationships and/or divorces are painful and we as a society pay a price when relationships don’t work –especially the children.
A few years previously, this client had approached Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute about our marriage skill-building and enrichment services. Unfortunately, her husband would not agree to participate and their marriage deteriorated more and more until it became an acrimonious and sad experience for the entire family. Wounds from words and deeds were blatantly obvious; a couple of the children began “acting out” and their troubling behavior caused problems at school and home.
Finally, the two parents decided to divorce and it appeared to be the best option, given their inability to be civil, courteous or cooperative with one another. The mother endeavored to get family counseling for the children and tried mightily to put the pieces back together in her life. And, she admirably started her own successful business while endeavoring to re-purchase the home in which she and her children lived. Her estranged husband had long since stopped paying the mortgage and had insisted that the house be sold and they take a loss. Determined not to uproot her children, our client had endeavored to legally keep her house—to no avail.
Because there are always two sides to every story, we are not trying to paint the husband as an uncaring, horrible person. He appears to care for his children and we were not privy to understanding his thoughts and his behavior. The point is that healthy relationships skills were badly needed in this family just as they are needed in all other successful families.
If this couple had practiced healthy relationship skills, then at the very least, their break-up would not have been so bitter and so traumatic. Healthy relationship skills are so important! Having the ability to communicate, to resolve conflict, to set achievable, practical goals together, to understand commitment, to identify important and common values and to appreciate financial planning and growth are just some of the very important skills that we encourage individuals to learn BEFORE marriage. However, after marriage, spouses can still improve their skills or learn new ones. This has been demonstrated over and over again. Some the couples we work with come for periodic check-ups to ensure that they maintain the health of their marriages. Investing in improving your relationship skills is a worthwhile endeavor for everyone, both individuals and couples.
Dear Relationship Coach,
My husband wants to have children and I am undecided. I am a little older than he and we have been married for three years. He is beginning to pressure me. What should we do?
Undecided about children
Dear Undecided,
Whether or not you want to have children is something that should be discussed prior to marriage. Many marriages have been strained or torn apart because of this issue. There are many things to consider and you and your husband should sit down and really talk about what having children will mean to you both and what you are willing to commit to in the event you choose to bring a child into the world. Some of the factors for consideration are:
- Do you like and respect children?
- Are you willing to sacrifice for your child?
- It is estimated that over the course of a child’s life from birth to 18 years of age, parents spend between $75,000 to $200,000 per child! (not including schooling beyond high school).
- Once a child is born, a wife becomes a mother and a husband becomes a father –each shares the other with another, more needy person who requires a lot of time and energy. Both being married and having children means loving sacrifice.
- What is your health condition? Do you take care of yourself physically?
- Will you and your husband work together to care for your child?
- Do you enjoy helping another person grow and develop?
- If one parent wants children and the other doesn’t, this could cause devastating resentment on the part of one or both.
- Emotional support and other intangibles from healthy family members are invaluable.
- The bonds of love that develop between parents and their children can be extremely rewarding;
- Some of the ancient scriptures tell us that one should not become a mother or father unless one accepts responsibility to act as stewards for the Creator and raise caring, conscious, compassionate children.
Marriage, caring for families and raising children are all opportunities to grow and develop as human beings. Being called upon to give, share, sacrifice, be examples and love, can make us mature and deepen our abilities as human beings. We are all social beings who thrive from sharing, serving and loving each other. Experience shows that loving interactions in healthy families are good for us physically, mentally and spiritually. And, healthy relationships in the family spill over into healthy relationships in our community and society.
So sit down with your husband and discuss this issue very thoroughly.
Sincerely,
Your Relationship Coach
The Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute website has a new look! Let us know what you think!
The S.E.L.F. Healthy Relationship Course, a 10-week course for individuals will begin on Thursday, May 7, 2009.
