Kindly excuse the lateness of this month’s newsletter. Krsnanandini, Co-Director and newsletter editor was on a pilgrimage for a few weeks, to many of the holy sites in Vrndavana, India (3 hours by taxi from Delhi airport). Later, she will endeavor to share some of the amazing experiences from her trip where she was one of a group of approximately 4,000 pilgrims from all over the world.)
The Law of Relationship Order© by Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute
In Math, there is a law or principle that states: In a relationship of numbers, when more than one number is to be connected in someway through any of the following operations-addition, subtraction, multiplication or division, there is a definite order in which these numbers must connect in order to get the correct answer or result.
In this mathematical law, called the “Order of Operations” we find the sequence in which operations must be performed when more than one operation is involved. This Math “order of operations” states that one should:
• First, multiply or divide, working from left to right.
• Then, add or subtract, again working from left to right.
• When there is parenthesis, do the operations within the parenthesis first.
To see how this works try computing the following:
18 – 3 ÷ 3 + (63 ÷ 3) – 6 = 20
(Wrong answer, not following the order of operations)
18 – 3 ÷ 3 + (63 ÷ 3) – 6 = 32
(Correct answer, following the order of operations)
Similarly, a fundamental principle of Human Relationships can be stated like this:
The order in which healthy relationships are developed is that two people
• First, get to know each other
• Then, develop trust between one another
• Next, make sure you can rely or depend on each other
• Next, make a commitment to one another
• Last, have intimate touch.
In other words, in people connections, as in math connections, there is a sequence, an order, that people need to follow in order to have healthy, successful, correct results. The process is as follows:
1. Know—you meet someone, observe and become familiar with his or her ways, habits, and characteristics. (Are they courteous, polite, mean or irritable most of the time? What is their relationship with God? How often do they become angry? How do they treat their mother or father and other elders? What are their hobbies? Do they live a regulated or haphazard life? How do they handle money? Does he or she owe major debts? Are their any “exs” to worry about? How do they treat strangers? Can they laugh at themselves? Do they have a sense of humor?) Also, carefully consider how you met the other person. Was it through a trusted friend or relative, at a library, school or other public place, etc?
2. Trust—building a “healthy relationship” means that this person’s habits, activities etc. are based on principles and behavioral patterns you can count on. Do you have confidence in the integrity of this person? Does he or she accept responsibility for taking good care of you — for treating you with dignity, love and respect? Also, at this stage, find out what is the honest opinion of some of your family members and friends about this person.
3. Rely—At this stage, you should know that this person is dependable, that you can rely on him/her to be honest, keep his or her word and have certain ethical or moral principles of behavior. In other words, you can trust this person to act in socially healthy or mature ways most of the time. For example, Can you trust him/her to tell the truth, keep his/her word, be clean, have compassion for others, and consider you first sometimes?
4. Commit – After you have come to know someone and can assure yourself that this person is worthy of your trust and you can rely on him/her, then you can mentally commit yourself to being open to a deeper relationship. Generally commitment refers to engagement and/or marriage.
5. Intimate Touch – after you know someone well, can trust and rely on him or her and can make a commitment to this special someone and he or she can make a commitment to you, then and only then should there be intimate touch.
Put in the words of the ditty that we learned as children:
“First, comes love “(Getting to Know, Trusting and Relying on one another)
“Then comes Marriage” (Commitment),
“Then comes the baby in the baby carriage” (the result of Intimate Touch)
Unfortunately, in our contemporary society, many, many people neglect this process and put the “cart before the horse”. Nowadays, men and women intimately touch each other long before they know each other well or feel they can trust or rely on one another; or, people hastily commit to a person before they really know him or her, before they have concluded that they can rely on him/her, or before they have developed trust in him/her or prior to having a solid commitment to one another.
The result of neglecting this relationship order principle has been disastrous for our relationships, producing high divorce rates, out of wedlock children, bitterness and enduring emotional scars. Therefore, we should be determined to proceed with a deeper knowledge for relationship success from this point on by following the “Law of Relationship Order” when embarking on any new relationship.
Dear Relationship Coach,
I met a man at my neighborhood library recently. We started chatting about a book I had picked up to take out on religion. He invited me to a vegetarian information lecture, which I attended and thoroughly appreciated. He asked for my phone number but instead I asked for his, being a little leery of giving my number to someone so soon. I am twenty-four, just finished my bachelor’s and am working through a temporary service. I have not dated seriously for over a year and the relationship I had before that ended in disappointment and hurt. I do think I feel some attraction for him. He appears to be an intelligent man. Should I call him and what should I do differently so that I am not disappointed like the last time?
Ready for a Change
Dear Ready for a Change,
I don’t know if you’ve given us enough information to answer your question, so I have some questions for you. What do you want in a relationship? Do you want to get married? You say you were hurt by your previous relationship. Did you have some expectations that weren’t met? Were you betrayed?
It helps to have clarity about the expectations and goals you have for a relationship. We can appreciate that you don’t want to jump from relationship to relationship, for this can be very emotionally draining and cause you to be unduly cynical about finding a suitable mate. Perhaps you should give him a call, find out more about him—just move slowly and let your intial meeetings be in public places.
Please read and re-read the above article about the relationship order and try to seriously follow the sequence. Though this may not be the popular approach, it is one that gives you a greater chance that you will not be disappointed again and that you will develop a healthier relationship.
Hope this helps,
Your Relationship Coach
What’s Happening at DZFI?
Upcoming S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course
March 2009. 10-week comprehensive, interactive, course, 1 session per week. Send email address to firstname.lastname@example.org to find out how to register and for more information.