January 2008 DZFI Newsletter
Moving forward to 2008, this is a year we can claim healthier relationships. We’re not making any resolutions, but we are making a plan. Ours is a plan with specific goals to grow healthier and more productive in our close relationships, and we would like to invite all of our readers to join us in this process.
Before we can realize healthier relationships, there is a prerequisite first step: make peace with your past. Release yourself and others from the cage. As human beings we have a tendency to categorize, to “box-in”, to view ourselves and others through the lens of the past. “She’s just going to be late because she always has.” “I won’t be able to stick to my exercise plan because I didn’t do it last year.” “I can’t trust him because he lied three times.” The box gets tighter and letting go of our past means release from these mental images of ourselves and others.
This is a good time for all of us to do so, having just come through another year – a year of challenges, a year of anxieties, pressures and pains, a year of victories, hopes and inspiration. If you’re ready to claim healthy relationships, understand that the things you have already said and done in 2007 are final and there is no way to change what has already happened. No regrets, no resentments, no constant regurgitations of why, I should have, could have, would have… none of these can change the past.
Instead of “I should have, I could have, or I would have”, what is it that I can do —? Most people are carrying so many regrets and resentments about things they could have done, but didn’t; should have done, but failed to do and would have done, had it not been for obstacles that got in the way. So much time is spent on this kind of thinking that many of us fail to make progress. “Between the little things that we will not do, and the big things that we cannot do, the danger is that we may not get anything done.” (Anonymous)
So the “cure is in the can”. The remedy for stagnation, procrastination and going backwards is to focus on what you can do. Ask yourself, “What can I do now, at this time, to transform my life or my relationship into the healthy, successful one that I desire? What steps can I take to make sure I am growing or working on my plan? What circumstances are in my exclusive control?” “Am I able to look at my abilities, my capacities and not give much attention to other people’s frailties?
“I can change the way I respond when my (wife, husband, parent, sister, friend, child) does the same annoying thing he/she always does.”
“I can take a class to do the one thing I’ve told myself that I wanted to do for a long time. I can take small steps to regulate my time by going to bed/getting up a little earlier.“
I may not be able to go to the temple, church or synagogue every week, but I can read a spiritual book for 15-30 minutes. I can have a weekly family meeting or biweekly date night with my children or spouse. I can write dates on the calendar that we agree upon.
Make a list of 8 things you can do or can start this week. Then, in February, check what you’ve actually done.
Deciding on and taking beginning steps to implement a plan is a much healthier way to move forward in 2008 than resolution alone. Next month our newsletter will focus on clarifying our relationship goals. (What is it exactly that I would like to get/give in each of my relationships?)
